The Inviting Gym Showers

The gym can be surprisingly entertaining at times, especially the showers.

On Sunday, me & my child bearing hips met Carnie, Wil & his sex-on-a-tap-boyfriend at the gym. After our workout I visited the steam room with Carnie. But the poor boy was suffocated by the steam and proceeded to shower first. Shortly after, I decided I was cooked & decided to cool off by the showers. I was frantically greeted by a hysterical Carnie…

Carnie: Oh My Gawd! AJ! AJ! There is this guy pressed up against the glass panel of my shower! I can see the outline of his body and all! You better come see!

See the form of a naked man pressed up against frosted glass? Why not! But when I went into Carnie’s shower cubicle, the spectacle had ended. No nudity to be viewed…

AJ: Aiyah. Show has ended already la. The guy heard us talking…

Carnie: But I think its serious! I think he fainted inside or something! His hand was hanging over the top!

I have to mention at this point that the glass panels between the showers are 7 feet high! I’d think if he really had a heart attack or something he’d be on the floor! Not reaching over...

AJ: Ha ha hahaa… Didn’t you know he was inviting you over to his cubicle for shower sex?

Carnie (unconvinced!): No! No! No! His hands were like reaching out for help! How? How? How?

Just then, Wil steps out from his shower. I thought he would find this amusing, especially since we have discussed sex in the gym showers before.

AJ: Hey Wil, our friend here just got an invitation for shower sex. The guy was pressed up against the glass panel.

Carnie (still adamant): And his hand was reaching over! Should we call somebody to come help? How? How? How?

Wil: HAHAHA HA ha ha… Next time grab his hand la! Ha HA HAHAAHA!

AJ: Ha ha ha… It happens all the time boy, seriously. Go finish your shower.

*Carnie pouts still not totally convinced*

So boys, next time you’re in the showers & you see someone’s one-eyed-monster or hot buns pressed up the frosted glass, don’t scream for help. It’s just an invitation for shower sex. Lots of weird sh*t like that does happen in the gym. There was once this guy showering in the open, with his perfect bubble butt in view for everyone to see. But that’s a story for another time…

AndroJane: Employee of the Month!

I have narrowed down the possible reasons why I got a bigger pay check !

I have good people managing skills & can get subordinates to focus on projects.
(A conversation with KiKi, the graphic designer)

KiKi: Cold-la this room! My fingers numb, how to type?
AJ: You wear such slutty clothes, what do you expect?
KiKi: Hmph! You also what! Never button you’re the button on your shirt…

*KiKi proceeds to type furiously, heating up her body & forgetting the coldness of the office.*

I am talented at motivating outside parties to complete projects in a timely fashion. (Maybe this would be a good time to mention my company has hired a pink web consultant to assist with our corporate cyber dreams. He blogs too.)

AJ (Glares bitchfully): Hey Barbie! Why the f*cking project so slow? I tell my Boss you’re a c*ck sucking faggot than only you know…
Barbie (Flips hair defiantly): Please-LA, I will tell her that YOU are a c*ck sucking faggot too..
AJ: Heh. Just don’t be late ok?

I am work proficiently with other departments & always give constructive comments. (Friendly pantry conversation with Polly, the office cum-wh*re)

Polly: When will you be available for discussions pertaining this matter?
AJ: Lets see…. *ramble for 1 minute*… about 6-ish tomorrow, after work would be best provide you have collected all the necessary data from the internet, discussed the situation with the other departments, run it by the bosses, drafted the mock ideas, filled in all the standard forms & made copies for our reference. And by the way, I think that skirt makes you look not so slim. (Rather YOU make that skirt look fat).

I use my extensive network of friends for the betterment of the company. (A phone call to Dr Goat on a cold rainy morning)

AJ: Help! Help! HeeEEEeeeelllp! I’m TOO LAZY TO WORK TODAY!! I NEED TO SLEEP IN. I’ve already called in sick so you have to give me an MC! I’m gonna sleep first and pop by later to come up with some elaborate medical excuse. You’re my bestest bestest friend in the whole wide world. Thanks!
Dr Goat: Mumble Mumble…. Bestest friend in my whole wide *ss…

Then there is how I use my “hands on approach” to help other employees with their burdens. (Rehearsals with Cutesy Buttes)

Cutesy Buttes: Hey, how to say this scientist’s name properly?
AJ: Its WAR-JACK_KEY. War as in the pointless fighting between Israel & Lebanon. Jack as in Jack off & Key as in hung like a donkey.
Cutesy Buttes (Blur Look): Thanks!
AJ: No Prob… (*Pat* *Pat *Pat * Yeap. On that *ss)


I SOO should’ve gotten a raise much earlier! Hmph!

Surprisingly Higher

Today, totally unexpectedly, my boss gave a raise! F*cking hell, I haven’t even been appraised! I was SO NOT expecting anything. Especially with all the slacking off I’ve been up to. He said something about me taking the initiative to make things happen at the company event. What’s even more confusing is that I thought he wasn’t happy with my performance. I know I can act very well, but I didn’t know I would win an award for it! Then again, I have stopped posting from work, or haven’t you noticed?

I wonder how much more cash I have now to waste on frivolous pleasure…

It’s an illusion…
There’s too much confusion...
It’s an illusion…
There’s too much confusion...

It’s all an illusion
There’s too much confusion
The money makes me feel better
If it’s bitter at the start,
then it’s sweeter in the end

Madonna~ Can We Get Together?

Departure

It’s been a week since my last personal post and since then I’ve arrived at several life pondering deductions / conclusions.

Things never go as planned. No matter how much time I spent preparing for my event, the events of my working trip did not go as planned. There were some pleasant surprises, but there were even more objectionable surprises. I guess the important thing when dealing with surprises is how I manage / control the situations. The thing is, looking back, I think I could have done a much better job. But at the moment, I was too eager to watch the most hated Polly collapse under the pile of sh*t, regardless of the best interest of everyone else. Sh*t I’m selfish.

It’s only a matter of time before they find a gene that encodes the belief that needless suffering is equivalent to a job well done. A horrible horrible disability, this gene is most prevalent amongst Chinese, although it most certainly affects other races too. Why can’t we be satisfied with project unless we have to suffer for it? I am still haunted by images of ChiChi, my exhausted “aunty colleague” NEEDLESSLY huddled in the corner of the ballroom in a positioned likened to nervous breakdown. Why must we be so cruel to ourselves?

I can’t believe Cutesy Buttes is straight. I’d like to blame it on stress, but it was most certainly horniness that motivated me to walk about our shared hotel room shirtless. At one point I even *accidentally* exposed my bare ass to the boy. His confessions of a 3 year happy relationship with his girlfriend make the hairs on my neck stand erect & sends shudders down my back. He is such a good boy. Now I feel a lot sleazy / manipulative. Well, a lot more than usual.

Self control isn’t my strongest virtue. Despite what LingLing says about my gym regiment, this little piggy is still stuffing his face with oily / greasy food. Then there is all the fags, mostly of the smoke-able kind I’m unsuccessfully trying to reduce. As if that wasn’t enough, I have developed a peculiar addiction to Coke Lite. Some days the urge to sip the cool bubbly artificially-sweetened / calcium-leeching beverage becomes an obsession. Despite the temptation, I still try to limit my daily intake of all things bad.

My 7 months of solitude is getting mundane. I know a lover for AndroJane isn’t about the drop from the sky. I know it is just as difficult for me to love someone as it is for someone to love me. Sure I have been partying to the max, but some days I miss just having someone to relax with / relate my day to. I know its very attention whorish of me, but having someone willing to listen to me is very validating. I have come to terms with the fact that wanting someone isn’t all that bad. Until that faithful day comes, validation from my blog will have to do.

Truly, the best way to arrive at new conclusions is to depart from the familiar.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say one love, one life (one life)
It's one need in the night
One love (one love), get to share it
Leaves you darling, if you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well it's too late, tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Well, did I ask too much, more than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got
We're one, but we're not the same
Well we, hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is the higher law
You ask me to enter
Well then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters and my
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...
One love

Mary J Blige & U2 ~ One

Words from the not-so celestial fairy.. summoned by our Queen of Queens, Jane

You know, accepted this invitation to be a guest blogger is way .. WAY more thought provoking than what I thought it would be. What initially started of as something fun to do morphed into a equivalence of a final year thesis. No joke. I haven’t felt such pressure in the longest time. I am never good with deadlines. Deadlines are meant to be post-poned! Procrastination is my middle name, hah! But of course, I wouldn’t dare considering asking Jane for an extension. Jane loves me dearly. How can I ever let Jane down? Yes you people, Jane loves me the MOST MOST MOST!!! And ME ME ME!!! MUahahahahaha…. Be jealous.

Our dear Queen extended her mighty invitation on Monday. Oh geez! I am suddenly entitled to a good old one week of tossing and turning at night trying to conjure something interesting to blog! To begin with, I am no prodigy when it comes to writing. But still, I have to cough out something. Not just anything.

A few ideas surfaced. Thought of making a lil video going around London scouting the cutest British butt and *pat pat* those tush on behalf of Jane. However, there are some complications. First of all, I am on a working trip here and would probably risk being deported or worst imprisoned in London for sexual harassment (do they have cute prison warden??). Secondly, if I would do something for Jane, I should, technically be sincere about it. The honest truth is, it was actually an excuse for me to go on a free ride to *pat pat*-land. So, sorry people. No *pat pat* video. Sigh.

I am probably just at the bottom of the depression pit. I am not ashamed to admit that I am heavily addicted to the enticing androjane.blogspot.com. It has become a daily ritual to indulge in a lil AJ sensation. its like a good dose of coffee in the morning. Jane has already been gone for FOURRRR days!!! And now, I am experiencing AJ withdrawal symptoms. I suspect most of you here are probably going thru the same thing. Since I am such a celestial fairy, lemme help you with the diagnosis.

Mild to moderate psychological symptoms:
-Melancholic expression throughout the day
-Irritable due to overly yearning for AJ
-Emotional volatility and erratic behavior
-Hallucination of seeing a post by AJ which “is not there”
-AJ pretension (we’ve seen this on Friday’s AJ-imposter post)
-Reoccurring dreams of AJ

Mild to moderate physiological symptoms:
-Uncontrollable or involuntary coordination of fingers e.g typing of androjane.blogspot.com repetitively whenever finger touches the keyboard
-Loss of appetite due the severe feeling of void while AJ is gone
-Insomnia
-Extreme fatigue
-Enlarged or dilated pupils, or other more prominent part of the body

If you’ve observed the symptoms mentioned above, you are probably suffering from acute AJ withdrawal syndrome. Do not hesitate to call 1-800-AJ WITHDRAWAL for group support and counseling. Your calls will remain anonymous at all time. This public service is entirely free of charge and brought to you by Take Me Home to AJ Foundation.

Take Me Home ~ Aqualung

Every day
Keep making the same mistakes
Once again
I find myself in the same old place
And I'm wandering
Wondering
Where to turn
There's a dead end
Straight ahead
Won't you take me home?
And you said
There's nothing you wouldn't do
And I answered
There's nothing in this world I need you to do
Just hold me
In your arms
I feel so cold
There are dark clouds
Gathering
Won't you take me home?
Oh, won't you take me home?
Got me wandering
Wondering
Where to turn
There are dark clouds
Gathering
Won't you take me home?
Oh please, won't you take me home?
Oh, won't you take me home?

Cheers For AndroJane

Introduction
I believe I'm called Ling Ling here..Is that correct AJ? I have a confession to make, I have neglected reading your blog consistently...forgive me, will change my ways...Blogging is too complicated for me...there are too many buttons to click on and confusing instructions to follow..but since you're away and have honoured me the previledge of guest-blogging, will do my utmost best! Promise! Ok, first thing's first, is there a certain motto here that I should follow? I notice there are plenty of song lyrics..should I post one too? And pictures! Hmm....Crap...

A Day Out With The Old Man
Yes, spent the day with Daddy-O. Had lunch in Mid-Valley where Mega Sale has started. Such great coincidences! Walking around in the mall with the living bank...bought some clothes and shoes for the both of us! In fact, convinced Daddy-O to wear loafers (Relax Technology) to work since no one in his office cares about work attire anyways. Have a comment for speculation, sales promoters seem to give you red carpet treatment when you walk-in with old men who wear slacks and golf shirts...do they somewhat know who will be paying?

A Horny Masseur
My usual routine on most Friday nights is to get a good foot massage. Have tried persuading AJ to come with me, but he's always full of excuses. It's either he needs to be somewhere else or BE with someone else (tsk tsk...am hurting here). Anyway, last night was a first hands-on...no...feet-on experience with a horny masseur from the mainlands of China. Yes, feet tapping against cock. For the whole hour the horny masseur seemed to rub my feet in such a way that it would either brush against his erect crotch, or go tap tap tap when he massaged my shin and knees. Now, if he wasn't so boyishly cute and muscular, I would probably object and request for another migrant from the mainlands. Does that make me a sucker for cheap thrills? Or has it been that long since I got laid?

The Money Broker
Earlier in the week there was a misconfiguration with my 'box' at work. I was furious that all my buttons were not in the right places. Will post a picture of my box for AJ's sake all other readers because I think AJ doesn't really know what I do for a living...
...
...
...
...

AND YOU SAY POSTING A PICTURE IS EASY TO FIGURE OUT...GODDAMN YOU ANDROJANE...
...
...



Now, this is my box. I have my own personal chip that the IT department configures for me so that I can trade $ to my liking. The colourful buttons that you see are touchscreen ones that you press when you want to speak with other banks. This is my work everyday AJ, the smaller rectangular box on the right is the speaker where other banks can speak to me when they want to buy or sell money. And it all adds up to one big box! Where things went wrong for me was that I specifically requested my red coloured banks to be on the left side of the screen and the yellow ones on the right... I also asked for the the blue ones to be at the bottom... But just look at the mess that they made! Such upsetting actions of the IT department! All I asked for was symmetrical colours!

The Ultimate Dream Body
So far, have been engaging in pilates and swimming to get the ultimate dream body. Have been coaxing myself to do it more often and have achieved 2-3 times a week... This process seems slow... Perhaps I should join the gym like AJ? He has been quite adamant about it recently. Almost everyday? How do you do it AJ? Such discipline and determination... Sigh... Sex would be better exercise if you ask me... Now that, I can do almost everyday! Shall leave you with a picture of my idea of THE ULTIMATE DREAM BODY...

If I was a rich girl (na, na....)
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl

Think what that money could bring
I'd buy everything
Clean out Vivienne Westwood
In my Galliano gown
No, wouldn't just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion if I could
Please book me first-class to my fancy house in London town

All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, won't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold, and I know

If I was rich girl (na, na...)
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl

I'd get me four Harajuku girls to (uh huh)
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked, I'd give them names (yeah)
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me

AndroJane strikes back..

Hello there dearly beloved readers.. AndroJane the sexygorgeous is back!!!
.. more sexy, more gorgeous, more fabulousness than EVA! ..

I couldn't leave you too long in the grubby unmanicured clutches of some guest poseurs.. er.. Guest Pos(t)ers. - No. you mean too much to me, my little pretties. AndroJane is kind and benevolent to her readers.

You.. You, complete me.

Just because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth and a 12 inch extra thick black dildo up my tunnel of love doesn't mean I don't have to deal with the trials and tribulations of life just like any other guy. It makes me more one of you, one of us. Just more special thats all.

As fabulous as I am; AndroJane is but only just a handpuppet of the fates. The universe sticks it's hand up my behind and makes things happen. Surely you do not think that our lives have intertwinned for no apparent reason? Mine to give yours colour when you read my blog( which you should do often and tell your friends too ) , and you, of course a reason for me to write it.

an AndroJane a day will keep the sickness away, as well as keeping away ugly people, venereal disease, insurance salespeople, the flu, bad weather, incontinence, impotency and even prevent bad hair days!!! Fortified with Vitamin B, A, A, and A...

To paraphrase Aunty Jay of London, it's all about ME! ME! ME! ME! damnit!

That's the reality of it all. Everything i say is true. Everything i do is right - and if you don't like it get your own blog ( which i suspect most of you already do.. )

So get with the plan. Get off your hiney's and start the bonfire!! It's time to sacrifice some goats for I am AndroJane! Queen of all worth being queen over! and Queen of all else as well if i actually gave a damn about it.

I AM ANDROJANE!!! HEAR ME ROAR!!!



Pick Yer Nose ~ Ani Difranco

How come I can pick my ears
but not my nose
who made up that rule anyway
how can you say that's the way it is
that's just the way it goes
why don't you decide for yourself
what you can do
and what you can say
how come I can pick my friends
but not my enemies

I fight with love
and I laugh with rage
you've gotta live light enough
to see the humour
and long enough to see some change

they come to strip mine
they come for some of my big butt
my big brain
or just a little time
but I don't really know you
and I don't really want to talk about me
'cause I'm not going to pretend
that I don't pick my nose
that's just the way it is, my friends
that's just the way it goes
this is who I am
what I do

Confessions of a Blog Lurker

Hi ;) I'm the first of the guest bloggers 'Jane's lined up to (hopefully) entertain his legions of adoring fans while he's off playing kiss n' tell with Cutesy Buttes and Boring Bernves for the next coupla days.

In keeping with the General Guidelines for Anonymous Gay Bloggers this post will of course be completely...well...anonymous. :) Any similarities between persons / places mentioned in this post and anyone / place YOU know is of course purely coincidental and most likely the result of consumption / insufflation / inhalation of too many fun substances on your part.

I gotta say that even for a non-blogger like me, the rise of the blogging subculture has been pretty interesting. From being almost unheard of a coupla years back, blogging seems to have hit the mainstream in a big way. Seems like every other person you run into nowadays either HAS a blog or reads someone else's blog with near-religious intensity. I myself am a pretty consistent blog-lurker (blurker?) - I follow about, oh say, 8 blogs regularly and read another half dozen or so on a semi-occasional basis. Blurking is probably right up there with coffee for me; my PMS goes into overdrive without my daily fix. Its also a great time-waster at work (just gotta be quick with that alt-tab button).

My current obsession has gotta be food blogs. Yums. Along with sex, food has gotta be one of life's great pleasures. Given that gawking at naked virile young men at work is liable to get my ass kicked out the door faster than you can say Falcon Studios, I instead choose to satisfy my OTHER cravings and gawk at butter-poached lobsters, home-made caramel ice creams and wasabi-dressing crabcakes.

*drools

Decadent

Time to start saving up for a houseboy who can cook.

Aaanyways, as entertaining as this has been, as and much as I'd like to ramble on and drive 'Jane's readership stats into the ground, it's getting late and I have to be up in like 3 hours for work. So to increase the entertainment quotient of this post a little bit, I leave you with the following eye candy:

Dayumn. What are they feeding these kids nowadays.

Peace.

I seen a rainbow yesterday,

But too many storms have come and gone,

Leaving a trace of not one god-given ray,

Is it because my life is 10 shades of grey

I pray all 10 fade away,

Seldom praise Him for the sunny days

M'sian Urban Legends III : The Hungry Ghost Festival & AJ’s Familiars

All hell has been let loose!

According to Chinese folklore, the gates of hell were opened last Saturday. Every year, on the 15th day of the 7th month on the Chinese lunar calendar, starved souls will be let out of hell to have fun, food & be merry. Mothers will warn their good little daughters to come home after dark because ‘its just not safe’. Even if the good girls can’t get out to party, there are plenty of activities for the bad boys & girls.

Although most of the festivities held are meant to entertain the ghosts, they are also somewhat popular with the not so dead. Through out the night there are ceremonies, feasts, auctions, opera, performers & even movies shown in the streets. This is just a lil bit of folklore in line with my first & second set of urban legends.

Well, everybody needs to get away from hell once in a while, even if it is to go to another hell hole. Thus for 4 days, Androjane will be away from the internet, out of town on business. Thus to keep myself & to some lesser extent my readers entertained, I had an amazing idea. In the spirit of the Hungry Ghost Festival I have lined up four of my closest & favorite familiars to entertain you guys. From Thursday to Sunday, there will be a new and sexy non-blogger everyday to entertain you.

Thursday’s rant will be from my craftiest Toyol (A Toyol being the spirit of a dead fetus kept to steal precious stuff for you). A slut in his own right, this Toyol has been employed to bring me boys. Precious precious boys. And why not? With enough worldly possessions, all I need are shiny men. Unlike other Toyols that need to be fed blood (preferably from soiled pads), I often just get him other precious boys in exchange. It is good to have friends with different tastes.

Friday’s guest is a satyr (Half man- half goat). Yes indeed, who could this subversive & antagonistic symbol of the devil be? The only thing more vile than his mischief spinning hooves is his vile venomous tongue. Ever the whiney bitch, ever the harsh voice of reason, he always delivers, lots and lots of sarcasm. He is certainly my great companion which lives to the bleat of his own drum. Even I fear what he will spew, he will entertainly entertain.

Saturday’s slot belongs to a modern day witch. Not the old hag with the pointy hat & warts at the end of her nose, this is a witch on wheels. She doesn’t ride a broom but is infamous for casting spells on men. Even the most rock hard objects turn into quivering flaccid puddles in her magical hands. Potions? Ointments? she has a few. Even connections with the Devil himself she has too. She is the female Androjane.

Watch out boys because on Sunday we will hear from a celestial fairy. The legend goes that a fisherman chances upon a heavenly fairy bathing in a lake with her clothes on the lakeside. The bugger steals her clothes so she can’t fly back to heaven. The fairy has no option but to give in & marry the sonofab*tch and bear him children. This fairy is smart and hasn’t been caught yet. She still is flying the friendly skies mesmerizing all men (and some women) in her path. What ever will her legacy be?

Given the freedom of speech, I wonder what mischief each of them will bring to my blog. Nude men? Topless shots? Lurid sexcapades? Deep buried emotions? Mindless banter? OoooOOoo! I’m excited! Aren’t ya?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: Is There Still Animosity?

Don't be snide. F*ck yeah there still is animosity!

I know its been over 7 months but I still hate you relentlessly. Many times I tried to make peace with myself & you. Especially since I try to be civil with EXs and I do like many of your friends. But f*ck them if hanging with them means I have to see you. And f*ck inner peace, its not worth it.

Breaking up with someone on MSN Messenger is not appropriate. Especially after all the time we spent. But you most probably knew how much I would hate you for it but didn’t care anyways. Cowardly insecure crooked pre-mature ejaculating pr*ck! “Your best relationship ever” MY A*S! No my a*s deserves better. Whatever alleged good times there were have been tainted by all your lies. And it’s MY WORST f*cking relationship ever. E-V-E-R!

You don’t get it. And I suspect you never will. Whatever. F*ck you, you self centered egotistic b*stard. I hope karma continues to bite you in the a*s. I wash my hands clean & refuse to even try to be civil anymore. You aren’t worth it. I was doing fine without your little twisted words & jabs. I am still fabulous, just pissed off. Enough is enough, damn you!

No you’re a cockless bitch, you’re a hurricane.
You will heal my heart up?

No, I will heal my own heart up, because you are a motherf*cking asshole.
I’ll twist you til you break,
And you’re a hurricane.

AJ & Lisa Loeb~ Hurricane

Tits The Season To Be Jolly- The Twisted 10 Simple Pleasures MeMe

MyFav Furry (not like I know any others), tagged me for this MeMe more than 2 weeks ago. And that is how long it took me to think of a way to twist it. I mean there is nothing wrong with simple pleasures, its just that I”VE SEEN THEM ALL BEFORE! So in the spirit of all things inane,

My Top 10 List Of Simple Ways To Annoy People

*Oh Joy*

1. Singing Britney Spears’ songs!
Oh Baby, Baby how was I supposed to know? I couldn’t stand Britney either until one day I realized that her songs annoy the pants off many people. The other day I was stuck in a car when the driver decided we all should listen to BLUE! F*ck BLUE! If you wanna do something bad, do it really bad!

*I’m noooot a girl, not yet a woooman, all I need is timeeee…*

2. Hey Mr DJ play my song!
Play my song over & over & over again! This ancient form of torture is very time consuming but can slowly drive anyone nuts. Better still if the song has a repetitive beat. But even the most skilled torturer can go nuts himself.

3. Pokey-Man!
Even if a person is not ticklish, there is nothing as infuriating as having someone jab a finger in to his side. *Poke* *Poke* Almost ready to go to the market & sell, eh porky?

4. My name is Mojo Jojo! (You can refer to me as Mojo Jojo.)
Redundant repetition indeed exasperates like nothing else. It doesn’t even have to be a song. It can be the latest catch phrase or something as simple as how? How if someone uses it against you? How? How? How? Just give it back in a even shriller extra nasally voice. Hooow? Hooow? Hooow?

5 year olds know best.
“But WHY Mummy? WHY? WHY is it so? WHY?” ‘Nuf said.

6. Hoity Toity Are We?
Nothing to do with the penguins, this technique involves identifying a person’s favorite key words & saying it with a fake British accent “____ are we? Would you like a cup of tea with that? Or maybe some scones with marmalade?”

7. Munchies!
Chewing with your mouth open, followed by burping and then farting can be most disgusting. It bothers the most uptight people, even if they are natural body functions.

8. Never the loser!
Conversations are mostly battles of wit. Just because I can’t win every battle doesn’t mean I have to lose. The key is to redirect the attention long enough until you reach a topic that the other party is willing to debate but you know you can win. Sort of like looking for driving aimlessly in the city until you find a landmark. “What’s the capital of Chile? Chile? As in chili crabs? Do you know where they have the best chili crabs (other than Penang)?”

9. Name That Animal!
I’ve made giving people animal signs. Animal signs which they really hate. The animal cannot be glamorous, the animal cannot be sexy. The animal is at best a pest. Just ask Goaty Woaty, Hammy Hamster, Flamingo Boy & doesn’t have enough personality to be an animal- Weed.

10. Its always my party!
If at any moment the urge becomes me or when the topic of conversation gets dry, I always try to relate & talk about more important thing.
“The tribes men hunting wild boar you say? Did you know *I* have hunted wild boar myself? Its most thrilling & they do taste nice (just like me)”

So maybe that’s all a lil childish, but just means is that I’m still youthful at heart… Heh

Highly Effective Habits: Multitasking = Slacking, As If You Didn’t Know!

MY BLOG HAS BEEN BLOCKED FROM BEING VIEWED IN THE OFFICE!

*Pout* Now slacking off in the office is a bigger challenge. I can’t visit other blogs as easily too! Either it is all the profanity I have been using or simply I’ve been found out! Whatever it is I have been concentrating on the positive to develop new ways of goofing off whiles battling my heavy workload.

I say, the best defense is a good pretence! And there is nothing like multitasking to hide the fact you are barely doing any work. Today I simultaneously worked on 4 different projects (non of which I finished), browsed spam mail / online comics, chatted with friends & debated the merits of office life with KiKi.

AJ: Hey, KiKi…. You ever played paintball before?
KiKi: No la…Looks very fun wan! Piak! Piak! Piak! So cororful!
AJ: Want to organize company game or not? We ALL can have fun!
KiKi: Ya… Sure the bosses will enjoy too!

*Thoughtful Pause Contemplating The Possible Pain*

AJ & KiKi: HAhaha haha HAHAHHA ahaha!!

Although there is next to no chance the bosses will loosen their corsets to play paintball war with us, the disgruntled employees, I would just as happy pelting Polly with paint pellets. Or shotgun pellets. Whatever hurts more.

Over last 2 weeks or so, Polly has successfully delegated all her work to just about everyone in the office, even myself & Cutesy Buttes, who are in totally different departments!

People-who-are-highly-efficient call people like Polly time robbers. People-who-pretend-to-be-highly-efficient like yours truly call her a two-bit-sweaty-ass-tofu-munching-b*tch. And to ward off her assult as best I can, I have developed several highly effective habits to keep the work load at bay.

1. A Perfect Appearance
Unlike the clubs where I try to look your best, at the office I try to look my worst. Uncombed hair, ashtray breath & a drunkard’s stubble often ward off Polly. I would use holy water & a cross, but I would perish too.

2. Dress Like A Mess
Folded sleeves & loud clicking shoes make it seem like I’m always in a rush, making discussions as short as possible. Saying “walk with me” and rushing off also helps as she can barely even stand in her high heels.

3. Glued To My Clipboard
No matter where I go in the office, I always have my clipboard. Even if I’m making my coffee, the clipboard makes me look like I have something to read/ write! One day I will whack her on the head with it too.

4. Only Display Bad Handwriting
How else can I get Polly to write MY contributions to our discussions down? When there is something that is really important I somberly write it clearly in the corner. Otherwise its all messy mind-map madness. Surely I have developed penmanship to rival Dr. Paul. The only down side being if I really do need to refer to my notes, I’m screwed.

There you have it. The four highly effective habits of office slackers. And if all that fails to keep annoying colleagues like Polly away, line their purses with white powder & call the cops.

Its Not All Bad Having / Being A Side Dish

You like steak? Or the ever sinful KFC? And some grilled chicken breasts for the weight conscious Muscle Marys… We all love our meaty main dishes. But sometimes, the side dishes like the salad, coleslaw, & mash potatoes are just as important part of the meal. They get rave reviews & lots of attention too.

Being an attention whore comes so naturally to me that sometimes it actually hurts not to be in the spotlight. Initially I wanted to make this post a whiny & bitchy testament to the problems of being single & not being the centre of attention. But on Saturday night at Carnie's bash bursting with boys, I had SO MUCH FUN just being the co-host. Most certainly I celebrate my singlehood & served the boys with the greatest of pleasure.

In the evening after work I went about purchasing the perfect cake. It was a minty-chocolate cake which many declared was too sweet, just like yours truly. Why not? I do leave a pretty strong & zesty impression when I want to.

When I got home, I made a swift & appropriate wardrobe decision. After all preparation is part of the fun. Topped with my Bangkok-purchased T-shirt declaring “Coffee? Tea? Or ME?” & skanky underwear revealing rave pants, I went about ensuring all the boys had more than their fill of pretty drinks.

The beauty of pretty drinks do not just lie in the pretty pretty pink, blue or green colors but also in whimsical idea that the mixture of alcohols made the boys tipsy & talkative. Sure, some of the drinks were so strong that they had to be kept away from open flames, but it was all good. The spirits kept the boys high in spirits.

Speaking of high, I highly do not recommend mixing prescription medication with high dosages of alcohols because you can really have too much fun! I was flushed red, redder than the red bands on the CK briefs that several of the boys were wearing. *Snap* *Snap* Giggle… I got a little out of hand. Out of breath. Out of my pants to show off just a little too much butt. I really must remember to wear a belt in future.

Despite the cocky cocktails & the macho men, the cheesy 80’s music played got a little mellow. We wanted to dance. No. We needed to dance. We needed to move our bodies under the shinny disco lights to loud pumping anthems… LIQUID HO!

I wonder if that’s my new nickname in The Disco? Every visit there this year has been an alcohol fuel frenzy of group groping & groin grinding. Prancing & parading about like a proud peacock, I acted as if owned the place. In this temple of forbidden flesh, I have most certainly broken my fair share of glasses, jostled elbows with many an unhappy queen & trampled on too many toes. But I pay no heed to them. At most I muster up an “Ooopies Sorries” & move on. There is something about the elements envelope me in rapture.

Out of control! On the dance floor, my concentration is in the music, in the moment, in the elements. Screw the sea of hungry faces. Screw the problems of yesterday/ tomorrow. Nothing else matters but the beat. That perfect beat to bonk to. That perfect beat to hunt.

But in no way am I desperate. Being single doesn’t mean I have to sulk away at home. Even the leapers come into town once a while. Sure many of the Malaysian alternative bloggers have found someone to clean their pipes & call them cutesy names. All the happy princesses can keep their prince charmings & cum soaked tissues. My montage of music, men & mixers can keep me entertain like no one man can. My moments make me mad. It’s an euphoria unlike love.

Until the day I find my ideal, there are other ways to be happy. I have had my fair share of “false start relations” this year but that will not keep me from having a good time. Better alone than unhappy. Better a steamy side dish than a cold piece of stale fish. Better selfish than dealing with unwanted sh*t. So all you singles out there, don’t sulk, don’t fret. Mix a drink & mellow to the music….

Maybe we'll meet at a bar
He'll drive a funky car
Maybe we'll meet at a club
And fall so deeply in love
He'll tell me I'm the one
And we'll have so much fun

Janet Jackson~ Someone To Call My Lover

Leave A Melodrama At The Tone

“Hello? This is AndroGena, AndroJane’s Brother. My brother passed away in a car crash yesterday. He always spoke so fondly of you. I thought you would like to attend the funeral which is Sunday.”

No Androjane isn’t dead, just p*ssed off at having his phone calls ignored for more than a month.
Alas, I do get very over dramatic when I’m ignored! And especially so because I have a very bad cough & sore throat. I DO demand even more attention when I am sick, dammit!

Ironically, the unfortunate recipient, Bong didn’t call me back, but her sister did. She wants to continue the prank. She like me, wants to see Bong squirm in agony. Lets see if she ever speaks to me again. Then again, maybe it is time to give up the drama and the cigarettes. One thing at a time though.

Skoff... skoff...

Buzz About The Office Staffs

I say this with the utmost relief & amusement- FINALLY FRESH MEAT!

For the longest 6 months of my life, the office has been populated with only females. Bad England speaking females. Although there are some advantages, its really like working in an aquarium- Fish! Fish! Fish! As far as they eye can see. And then more seafood! Sure there is the Big Boss, but he is too decrypt to be even considered edible.

But I really shouldn’t be mean to him considering he has decided to hire some fresh-out-of-college-meat! Do you understand what its like not to have male camaraderie in the office? No eye candy?

The first hot rod to come in is a total Ah Beng, which means he has a funny name, he speaks bad English & has very Chinese mannerisms. But that’s okay because he has a cute butt. I christen him Cutesy Buttes. And the best part is he has been giving of the gayest vibes.

Not the butt-shaking, limp-wrested, nasally-talking kind of vibes but the mild-mannered, cutesy-acting, come-fuck-me kind of vibes. And as I do sort of have to mentor him, I am coming on strongly to tease him.

Androjane: What is the product code for Horny Goat Weed Softgels, Cutesy Buttes?

Cutesy Buttes: Er… 069?

Androjane: Its okay that you don’t know now, but you need to remember the codes sooner or later..

*Pat* *Pat* *Pat* on the butt… Even in the office, I’m still AJ! Did you expect anything less sexy? Backsides/ besides it is a pretty nice piece of ass. So I can’t be blamed. Then there is the prospect of sharing a room with him during the upcoming company event. There is something to be said for the classic ‘walking in with a towel & saying “Oops I didn’t know you were in the room..” Butt the other dude, doesn’t really make my mind wonder as much.

Boring Bernves is another Ah Beng but with less sex appeal. I think it may have to do with his yearning to please through classic hard work & toiling, or the fact he doesn’t have Cutesy Buttes’s dimples, but I haven’t been shown much interest. Testosterone is testosterone & for now Androjane is happy with the complementing testosterone. And cute butt. Oh that cute butt…

The Macy Theory: When All Fails, Just Lie!

Picture this: the music is pumping, the boys are prancing & on this very large couch, AJ is sprawling. Yeap. Just a little too much to drink & I can no longer grace the podium with my beauty. But it wasn’t all bad. Even though I was close to passing out, I managed to chat up some boys & subsequently divert their attention to Teks. And why not? He was slightly more coherent than I was & he could at least suck on their necks without the having sudden urges to puke down their shirts. Yes, nausea often does get in the way of slutting.

But besides the cute boy who were lured to my venus-fly-trap-couch, there were others that came by to check out the nectar (nectar being me as I am so so sweet). There was a ghost from my past named Macy which came for some of this honey.

“Er AJ is that you? So long no see! Why you never called me? How long has it been? Since 2002?”

“Is it really you? I wish I could talk, but I’m totally drunk to concentrate! Let’s talk another time!” (notice the bad grammar)

Truth being that I was fairly sober enough to hold a decent conversation. I just didn’t want to. Why? Well, as I recall rather vividly, it was 2002 when he began to start spinning his over dramatic web of lies. Supposedly, he met some super hot American born Japanese boy/girl who was heir to the Renaissance Hotel chain, who was totally in love with him & was going to bring him to America. Sure he introduced the lie in stages, but he could use some pointers on lying:-

1. Do your homework!
Don’t go around telling people that you spent the night with Brad Pitt when you know AJ has been shagging his pants off the whole week.

2. Keep it straight!
*Shudder* As distasteful as it sounds, sometimes you need to keep it straight. Tell the same story to different people because PEOPLE TALK!

3. Fib into the future!
Dropping subtle hints here & there always makes the lie ever stronger. If you want to run away to Bangcock with your best friend’s boyfriend, talking about how much you love Thai food will make it less obvious.

4. Be relatable!
Ever hear the story about the poor guy who had his car window smashed and had to make a police report? Even though nothing much was stolen, it took a whole day to repair. Yeap, I used that one once & my concerned colleagues related their own tales!

5. Don’t be a drama queen.
Nothing gives away a lie like too much drama. If you borrowed & lost your sister’s lipstick at a circuit party, don’t tell a fib about a one armed bandit who was hiding in the backseat of your car with a chainsaw. Just say you thought it was finished, threw it out with the trash, & give her the damn cash for a new one.

So lie if you must, but please do it well….