Where Is My Comfort Zone?

This is something a lil more private for me to remember this day & be thankful for what i hopefully will achieve in the future. Very whiny & self absorbed none the less...

7.56 am ~ Out of bed. Oh F*ck, today, just like every day if I dont move my fat ass fast enough, I'll be late for work...

7.58 am ~ "The washing machine is broken AGAIN... this time its the door. Please be more careful when you use it, like I told you.." says the sister. "Ok" replied the brother who was too busy to argue the possibility that even though he put in the laundry last, she was the one who opened it...

8.48 am ~ In time for work. First fake smile "Morning, Little Boss"

9.03 am ~ My first love letter arrives, hand delivered none the less. Time to get cracking at inserting Caps as in Nobel Prize Winner.... (yes Laureate is too difficult a word to comprehend). And correcting words like "researches", as in scientists...

9.20 am ~ Baa, call you later ok your goatyness, during my half hour window between work & class.

10.00 am ~ "AJ, this months write-up is the same as the last few. How about something new?" New I can do. Or rather I have tried to do before but was shot down faster than a light weight aircraft near the Pentagon. Whatever. Its only work!

11.oo am ~ "Hey, you falling sick issit? Want to take some vitamin C" Maybe its just a cough. Maybe its tuberculosis. I won't f*cking touch those damn pills. Over priced even at staff price.

12.30 am ~ "Hello? Free today for lunch AJ?" Hell not today. Not when I have this tripe to sort out. Second fake smile, not today how bout tomorrow?

1.13 pm ~ Some peace. My roast pork rice in one hand, Suburban Jungle on the PC & DaVinci Code in the other hand. Time for some peace...

1.17 pm ~ "Ring! Ring! AJ, Britney isn't in your room, is she?" Third fake smile. Oh F*cking course not she isnt here. Even I'm not suppose to be here.

1.20 pm ~ "AJ! Help me I dunno how to calculate this. Is it me or is it a printing mistake?" FourthThird fake smile. ITS F*CKing both! No such thing as lunch break, is there? One hour where I'm supposed to eat but instead I have to teach you basic g to mg conversions?

3.13 pm~ Yes dad, no dad, yes dad. You go ahead on your holiday, I have work & classes.... Run around with you and your whore? I would rather swallow a sea urchin!

4.30 pm ~ Gigi, If I don't make it in tomorrow, make sure everything proceeds smoothly ok? Oh please oh please let me fall really sick. AJ cant take much more of this....

4.45 pm ~ Hello big boss, just checking on the progress of the article.... Rewrite you say... Fifth fake smile. Ok, I collect it.

5.55 pm ~ "AJ, I would like to speak to you now." Ok big boss, your timing is always perfect. Work is about to end & I have only half an hour to get to class. "But AJ, you are rather lacking in skill & because of it, I have to do double work." n-th Fake smile. "Can we discuss this tomorrow morning? I have a class to rush to."

6.15 pm ~ Hey babe, hows my darling doing? Oh busy huh? Nevermind then... Talk to you later or something...

6.30 pm ~ "You Lied! You said you would call! You are just like all the other men!..." Look, I barely got out of work in time to grab dinner to eat in the car, in the jam looking for parking, for the class I'm late for, and I can't deal with this bs right now. I'm gonna f*cking cry I tell ya. Talk to you later ok..

6.45 pm ~ "Tonite I thought I torture you guys a bit since its meant to be a double class." Oh yawn... Nothing you could ever say to me could be as bad as the things I have to put up with everyday.

6.59 pm ~ "Dear Mr Lecturer, for MY project, we were wondering if its ok to add extra photos..." Millionth fake smile. F*cking show off. I say "well I could cancel the brazillian wax models..."

8.03 pm ~ "Ring! Ring!" Its Ruggy. Hey lover, I'm in class will be out at 10.00 or so. NOT LIKE I DIDNT TELL YOU YESTERDAY, Twice. And twice the day before that when you "yalllah~ yallah I herd ya the first time". Why do I even bother?

9.29 ~ "I'm from Penang. We speak a different dialect from you southerners.." Billionth fake smile. How nice....

9.30 pm ~ Look, we have to meet tomorrow & finalize all the details, if not we arent going to meet the project deadlines.

9.45 pm ~ Hey babe... no I am just tired.... I love you... I didnt even convince myself. Let me take that one back.. Look, I'm just having a really long day ok? talk to you tommorow or something.... Muax

9.49 pm ~ Sorry didn't mean to shout at your goatyness. You caught me at a moment of weakness. Ok..... See ya.

9.59 pm ~ Hello Duff sayang. Not still angry at me I hope. Time has been a bitch lately... I really can't excuse myself from this one.

10.04 pm ~ Hey babe, I just called to say I need to take time off from you.... NO! I don't need an assistant... Can hear me now? I need space for the next few days. You take care & I'll call when I don't feel so crazy so I won't shout at you. I love you.

10.07 pm ~ "Please buy me coke, I feel bloated" Whatever sis... I'm too close to my goal of a hot meal, a hot bath, a post & bed to even think of arguing.

10.11 pm ~ Duff sayang. Can talk easier now?Just got home too? Isn't life grand? I know its a bitch... firsthand even. Some how we will make it tru... We always seem to manage, neh?

11.44 pm ~ Post almost complete. Should I add Ordinary Day? Seems pretty ironic. Or how about Bad Day? Nah too icky. Only been listening to one song in the car that has managed to keep me going.... Its a repeat, but who F*ckng cares? Its my blog!! I'm too tired to deal with all this bull now. Real friend will stay close somehow & lovers will follow their heart. If fake smiles get me thru the day, why not, why not...

The city streets are wet again with rain
But I'm walkin' just the same
Skies turn to the usual grey
When you turn to face the day
And love don't show up in the pavement cracks
All my water colours fade to black
I'm goin' nowhere and I'm ten steps back
All my dreams have fallen flat

(Love don't show in the pavement cracks
There will be no turning back)

Time and space will pass us by and by
When we don't see eye to eye
I would have done anything
For happiness to bring ...
But it don't show up in the pavement cracks
I can't even cover up my tracks
I'm goin' nowhere and I'm light years back
Ooh I wish you well

How come
Every day
I'm still waiting for the change?
How come
I still say
Give me strength to live?

Where is my comfort zone?
A simple place to call my own
'Cause everything I wanna be
Comes crashing down on me
And it don't show up in the pavement cracks
I can't even recognise my tracks
You and I can't turn the whole thing back
Ooh I wish you well

Annie Lennox ~ Pavement Cracks (Gabriel & Dresden Mixshow)

I can do this... Really I can... Really...

AJ Sees Red

On the airways- The whole Gay, Transvestite & Transgendered Thing! AGAIN!

Specially brought to you by a phsycologist trying to drum up business by giving parents false hope with dellusions that being gay is like a diesease that can be cured with therapy. What a b*tch! Making contradictory statements like "what they are doing is against the law", "if they really want to they can be straight" & then her ugly head sticks out from between her legs & says "but if they choose to marry they are most likely to end up emotionally distressed in the end" & "the only way they can be happy is if they marry for friendship"

So i'm suppose to marry my best friend? Or does this mean I supposed to recluse myself & live a lonely life full of self pity & self wallowing?

FRIENDS are FRIENDS! LOVERS are LOVERS. Does she not understand english?

Ugh! I can't stand it when gay people are referred to as "Gays" as in "These gays are irresponsible". Sure they think they sound cool & all knowing. But seriously, what the f*ck do they know?

The only good thing that has come about from the whole "perfect wedding" is possibly a higher awareness that there is more to sexuality than just gay & straights. Other than that, its been nothing but crap. A load of crap. Crappity crap crap CRAP!

Yes I'm venting & yes I'm angry. Can't we all just shut the F*ck up & leave them alone?? We all deserve to be happy regardless of what we may read or hear. Noone is beyond redemption & noone was born only to die. Think! God gave us huge brains so we could think.

Welcome we love you
We hate you
We love you
We want you
We need you
We wish we were like you
They say you’re a saint
You’re a whore
You’re a sinner
That he had you
He made you
He can’t live without you.

Would you confess if we asked
That you nurture the urge
To declare that it’s time
To settle down
With a man of your own
You want a baby
A family
A piece of security

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

What’s your opinion on the dire situation
In our land here
Our guest here
Of course you’ll be nice here
How do you feel about God and religion
Are you good people
Bad people
Guess it doesn’t matter people.

Your place
My place
Make her bring that famous face
You got some
You want some
You wanna let me get you some
We know your music but of course we’d never buy it
It’s too fake man
Right man!
(we don’t give a damn.)

I hear you say it
Play it smart girl
Win the game love
Give ’em what they want
What they want to see and you could be a big star
You could go far
Make a landmark
What have you been reading you smart girl?
Win the game love
Give ’em what they want
What they want to see and you could be a big star
You could go far
Make a landmark
Make a shit load.

And the world spins by
With everybody moaning
Pissing, bitching and everyone is shitting
On their friends
On their love
On their oaths
On their honour
On their graves
Out their mouths
And their words say nothing

I waited to say something
Oh shut your mouth
I wanted to say something
Oh shut your mouth
I wanted to be something
Oh shut your mouth

Garbage ~ Shut Your Mouth

Bertram~ Play Bear Nov '05

Got another of those annoyingly cutesy emails this morning. Don't they make ya wanna puke?Just for laughs I have decided to recaption those damn pics . Please don't proceed if STRONG language & pervy sexual innuendos offend you!

Living in the artic is tough! Just ask Bertram, our poster hunk for Play Bear Nov'05. A part time bear-whore, he says he is most facinated with icebergs (as there is nothing else for him to play with). He his favourite foods are icebergs & blubber. He enjoys longs naps at the edge of icebergs & catching snowflakes on his butt. And when he is bored he likes to pretend he is an, you guessed it~ iceberg.

But Bertram has a special tallent than any rent-a-bear would envy. Trained at the Moscow Circus, he can suck himself off. Rather like icecream he claims, only saltier.

*Heya sexy, need some company tonight?*

This is HIS come-fuck-me look which he uses when cruising the local icebergs.

Without anys hotels, cheap motels or back alleys, his customers always enjoy the outdoors. His normal pick upline is "Follow me, I know an iceberg with a view"

This enterprising young bear actually has a dream of being a porn webmaster one day. He takes advantage of every situation & has installed some webcams to get the customers doing it doggy... erm bear style.

For the less adventurous customers there are is the cowbear position...

"Hurry babe, we dont have all day! Ride me!"

"That was good. Same time, same iceberg next week? "

"Sure thing my sweet-salty popsicle, as long as you pay me with LOW FAT seal blubber next time, I'm watching my figure you know.."

Have I mentioned that he has 2 well dressed pimps?

"Wake up lard ass, your next customer is here!"

"Oh Not Not 10 Ton-Tim again! Everytime we cuddle he tries to eat my head!"

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about?
Who's never left home, who's never struck out?
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone?

Many precede and many will follow
A young bear's dreams no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for him, he hasn't yet guessed

He needs wide open spaces
Room to make his big orgy scenes
He needs new faces

He knows the highest stakes

Dixie Chicks~ Wide Open Spaces (Bertram Bear Remix)

Wake Up Call

It was too cool at 5am this morning. Can't sleep. There was the slightest breeze that perked my nips & gave me goodbumps down my back. It was almost electric! Funnily enough this lead me to think back when I was a young boy, about eleven or twelve. Thats about half my life time ago. Wow.

It was during some school holidays or other that my father woke me up early to go hunting. I felt the same breeze as I woke. I warmed up with an amazing roti canai. I can almost taste that crispy square of fried dough with sugar & curry.

After breakfast we drove about 6 km into the hunting grounds & began to wait. During this time I would explore the surroundings & see what I could find. Sometimes I would find shiny quartz (oh so shinny) & other times I would find some resin (aged tree sap that burns with a funny smell). All sorts of interesting thing can be found if you look close enough & well, don't expect too much.

Come day break the cute fluffy emerald-colored pigoens would begin their flight to find food. This is when my father would aim & fire.

BANG!! BANG!! & the pigoens would come tumbling down. Finding them was often a challenge thanks to Murphy's Law. Have you ever looked for a dead pigoen in a thorny bush? Or how about stuck on a palm tree? Of course there was once or twice I caught them with such accuracy like a baseball outfielder.

Once the sun was really up the flight of the pigeons would cease & we would be on our way home with our feathered friends in tow.

I miss those times. Not because I miss the rush or the awesomeness of the gun, but simply because I miss the simple days. I miss the quietness of the mornings. I miss the companionship of my father.

The list could go on but it cant.

Times are a changing. The hunting grounds has since become a huge factory. The pigoens are temporarily protected. The gun rarely if ever sees daylight. My father throws karaoke parties. My treasures have become meaningless. And I am here living my life like a barbie doll, painted smile and all...

I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees
Come jump in, preety friend, let us do it again,
hit the town, fool around, let's go party

You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"

Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)

Aqua~ Barbie Girl

Is my life fantastic or am I just happy plastic?

If You Are Going To Sell Your Soul...

Dont Sell It Cheap.
~ Leonard Lion, The Suburban Jungle.

Sure this line came from a web comic strip character but there is much truth in it!
I decided not to let the matter at my office rest and persue my basic rights! Truly, a work place without music is as dull as as dehydrated grass clippings. I will not let the music in my soul die!

In other events, I went down man watching with the goat & the framing queer & his silent bf to Bukit Bintang. I bought some software & visited Borders. The magazines there were so entertaining! One had a caption like Coming Out to your family & the anthems! But it was so not credible as it didn't even feature the YMCA song or the I will Survive Song.

Another one had articles with titles like "the top 5 bands that should break up". And under that list was Garbage! GASP! I could have slapped the editor (if i know who he was). Garbage needs to stay togather because shirley manson needs her guys to write & play. She may be a talented singer and preformer but I dare say she cant write much music. (Could be wrong here guys).

After that it was the inetible man-watching session at DOME (local coffee house). Why do the city boys flock here by the gaggle? Its so much easier to sit under the sign that says Do-Me and wait for the right man to proposition sex. The lesser alternative is really not time effective- Waiting for someone to chat you up at Starbucks "Pick-up" area!

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to let it get that far

Because of you
I stray extra far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the dangerous side
So I don't get bored
Because of you
I find it easier to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am okay...
Kelly Clarkson feat AJ ~ Because Of You (Quit Yapping & Start Living Remix)

Naughty~

Erm I've reconsidered & I've removed "my first true regret".. Instead, here are 2 hotties for your viewing pleasure...

he is pretty hot no?

he just looks like how i feel!

maybe one day when I think its safe, i'll repost my first true regret.....

Beware of Visitors Bearing Gift Baskets!

"Aunties can be good fun as long as they’re not too nosy or bitchy. I like the type who bring nice stuff for you to eat at work. Any like that in your office?"

That was something Jay had asked Ah Shiong (drowned glass). This question would be most interesting to blog about tho, I did have intentions to ask you guys if I should give Ruggy the address to my blog. Hmm... Considering how he has been twisted & warped to suit my taste (just like our relationship), I wonder if he would recognize himself. There there is that pic of Mr Bachan... BUT Anyways... the things that the aunties in my office have given me to my best recollection are

1. Cheddar Potato Chips ~their chilwren dun get to enjoy stuff like that
2. Assorted mini chocolate bars~ Cherry ripe, Hanuta easter eggs etc ~one again.. the poor chilwren
3. Assorted candy ~less for their starvingly-healthy chilren really means more for me!
4. Icecream- sometimes they buy us stuff just because they are feeling cheerful? (Motherly instinct kicks in around me I tell you)
5. KFC~ this one was yesterday. something about making us eating lunch at 2 and wanting to make up for it?
6. Fish ball noodles etc.~ OMG i'm begining to see the light.
7. Assam laksa!~ This one was prepared from scratch. She scratched up some fresh sardines, some lemon grass etc and spent several hours to feed the entire office. Amazing!
8. Nasi Lemak breakfasts~ They sometimes buy extra & well, I get called to share the wealth.
9. Kuih Kochee~ This one I once mentioned passingly & the next time she went to the market, it was sitting on my table!
10. Ciggerette filters~ In a vain attempt to get me to cut down on smoking, one got a box of filters from a doctor friend and passed them to me. Didn't help! I'm still as indignant as hell!
11. Half a bottle of FOC kelp tablets~ Something about my backaches...

I'm begining to understand why my jiggly bits have been getting more and more jiggly since I've gotten here... hmm.. But in my defence, some of the stuff I have distributed, thru the kindness of my heart (and in attempts to buy them over)

1. Various fruits from my hometown.
2. Nescafe, creamer & cornflakes (I get them from someone & spread them around)
3. Abalone Sauce (don't ask.. just don't ask)
4. Candy~ Yes, I'm a candy boy...
5. DVD's of Lost~ Yeah my aunty rowx! lol. She enjoys watching Lost (must be Sawyer) but i've yet to introduce her to Queer As Folk or even Nip Tuck (My current favourite)

Yawn... Yeap, I bitch about them sometimes but really, I would hate to leave them. They may spend half our lunch hour telling me how fags (not the human kind) and pork will kill me, but I guess I can't have it all. They are so nice & sweet, even if the seems of my pants are bursting...

Hey hey hey hey
i know an aunty who's tough but sweet
she's so fine she can't be beat
she's got everything that i desire
she sets the summer sun on fire

i want candy
i want aunty
i want candy
i want aunty

go to see ya when the sun goes down
there ain't no finer aunty in town
you're an aunty & you're what the doctor ordered
i think you're so sweet ya make my mouth water

watch this
i want candy
i want aunty
i want candy
i want aunty
hey hey hey

AJ ~ I Want Candy/Aunty (same same but different remix)

AJ at the Circus

Squeezing in a quick post. I figure I just gonna get half a bottle of vitamin C for my bonus, I might as well chance 15 capsules of antioxidants (an actual sample size). What the heck, I never pay for the entertainment they provide. Not to mock, ridicule or make fun of the people in the office but I amuse myself. But I figure like wanking, it gets very lonely.

Last week when this guy was carrying up some brochures. He is agile (and cute) as a tasmanian devil on antihistamines & alcohol. He bumps into the side of the door "ouch ouch ouch" & I can't help but say "Aiiyor be careful! You might break the door!" Noone notices...

Then there are words that are used horribly wrong, such as "she will chauffer you guys out of his office if you stay too long..." I giggle alone...

Hmmm... Is it really worth it? The puns on leaf & leave are getting old too fast... Oh please rescue me from this HELLty company! anyone?

Falling in,
Six hours from morning,
And falling in,
Sink me off to sleep

So come along within,
I think it's time to let me in,
I'm tipping my foot very close to the edge,
And just a few more of your seconds,
And I need for me to repair
To neatly stand and spin it around in my head,

Oh can i please have some silence,
How about some space?
Can i have some space?

Almost, ready to drift now,
And i feel myself slipping inside you,
I'm so tired, I gotta sleep,
I wanna wake up from a dream,
I've had enough, I need to sleep,
I wanna wake up without you, yeah

So come along within
I think it's time to let me in,
I'm tipping my foot very close to the edge,
And just a few more of your seconds,
And I need for me to repair
To neatly stand and spin it around in my head,

Oh can i please have some silence?
How about some space?
Can i please have some silence?
How about some space?

Way Out West~ Mindcircus (Gabriel & Dresden Mix)

Dont Know What You Got Until..

Its GONE! Its GONE! Solidfluidity is GONE!

The shock was just too much for AJ's flatten Avitar...

Gasp! I was so in love with Jason! I can't believe I won't be skimming his blog for the dirt. I won't be sifting thru his posts for some of the most earnest & straightforward stories. I can stil remember "Silly rabbit, Trix is for kids" or all the other stuff I enjoyed from his blog. It didnt even hurt that he actually posted a pic of his cute butt once.

Why is it gone? Something to do with fear, closed mindedness & stupid blind hate. Horrible people enjoy destroying beautiful things. Its plain horrible! Have I said horrible enough yet? Another chapter closed, have to make space for new blogs. I just never imagined blogs I know being deleted like that.

OH well... On other updates,

The supposed "fairy tale wedding" between a man & a man who became a woman has been deemed unholy and not recognized by the government & certain church ministers. Although it would be unfair not to mention that 3 progressive church ministers were present at the wedding, I guess there must have been some sour puss crying "oh no we must fear what we don't understand & what ever is not written in the book". The government I can understand, there is something about laws and how we need to abide by them that I respect. Its just my oppionion, but I cant help but wonder would things be different if there wasnt so much media hype?

The toilet testing is finally over & the results indicate that the product only has 900 over flushes, not 1000 over as claimed. Boo hoo hoo! So what? I hope that result was worth wasting S.O.D.ing minutes & maybe hours of my life ticking that damn thing. And since the product has already gone on sale, should we like recall it all back and reimburse the all the customers? I THINK NOT! But its ok. With all the other odd "pro bono" work we have to do for the company the toilet testing is the least time wasting propaganda.

I've decided that having a disfunctional family isnt the end of the world. Its complicated & heart wrenching but fark that. I'm a survivor....

Duff is kambeng back in about 10 days time so look forward to another "grope my ass on the dance floor" post...

Oh you get my goaty in your 69 Chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandy lion sun scorch,
Would you like a glass of cold lemonade
I will do laundry if you pay all the bills

Where is my toilet testing?
Where is my Jason's Blog?
Where is my happy wedding?
Where have all the cowboys gone?

Paula Cole ~ Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? (AJ is still ranty remix)

Double Bonus Sunday

Spot The Boner~

How can you not love a cartoon reality show with a "oh so gay blonde boy called Xandir on a never ending quest to save his girl friend" ?

Talking about money in my post would be rather distasteful, especially considering I am only expecting a half empty bottle of vitamin C for my bonus this year. Yeah, all this blogging and campy quip isnt wise... Yes honeys being a bitch doesn't pay, but its worth it!

On sunday after a most fruitful discussion with my hissy project mates (for my copy writing class), I went over to visit the Framing Queer! We known each other for a fair while but because of spatial differences, we don't meet that often. He stays a horrifying 15 mins away from my office (screw the spatial excuse I'm just farkin lazy).

He engaged me to watch Drawn Together from Comedy Central. Its basically a parody on reality shows but with cartoon characters. He downloaded it off the net and I know thats "wrong" as the malaysian celebrities have been telling us of late. Seriously Mr. Big Wig Celebrity, if everyone had better access to good tv/music, we wouldnt need to download!

It was superbly mind bogglingly disturbingly funny, but more importantly whiles watching it in his room, his underwear-model-house-mate was walking about doing his household chores in only his short-shorts! His butt cheeks were practically struggling to get out!! Any shorter and he would be wearing a tube top!

Memorable Line From the Show

Pig: Should I die or gay marry for the health insurance? America, you decide!

This poor short-shorts boy has actually been the topic of ridicule of many of our conversations because of his inability to distinguish heavenly beings from the point where two lines or space intersect... (i.e he couldnt tell the difference between angel and angle). But like me, his inability to spell properly does not stand in his way of being a comedic genious. But unlike me, he isnt aware of it.

But even for comedians, there is nothing fun about house work.. Unless you're watching a almost naked underwear model ironing his clothes & getting ready for the working week. I felt live perv watching a peepshow from door that was half ajar. I felt like screaming "oh honey you dropped you undies on the floor! pick em up! pick em up!" But overall, he really wasnt too much my type. Too... erm.. cream puff? Short- blonde and whipped white stuff for brains! But certainly his body I could enjoy.

Ah yes, it was one amazing show, my only complaint is that he didnt get down on all fours to buff the floor in the buff. But its ok. I can always go see the framing queer more often. Or a web cam.... Um... which reminds me. Must regularly check his photo blog more often to make sure there isnt no non-unoffensive material... Cute butt trying to escape short shorts? Now thats a real double bonus sunday...

Ooh man, dig that crazy dick..

Who wears short shorts
We wear short shorts
They're such short shorts
We like short shorts
Who wears short shorts
We wear short shorts!!

The Royal Teens~ Short Shorts

Hardly Affected

Warning: Lack of Androgen may cause you to wear door mats!

As I was conducting research for the pill mill, I came across a site explaining that if you don't wake up with a stiffy, you don't have enough testosterone. Your sex drive is waning & soon you will plumet into the hell known as premature andropause, (male version of menopause). Next comes the man-tits and all. WTF?

Yes! What the Fark! Most of the times that I wake up with a stiffy its because I need to "pee pee" or on rare occasion coz I didn't get enough loving the night before. *Rolls eyes* Yes I can be a major horny biatch. Waking up with a stiffy is more of chore rather than a sex-hormone-o-metre!

Does that mean if each time I have sex, I become more of a man? Or that if I wank more I will start growing more pubic hair?

Suggesting that soon I won't be able to get it up and develop man-breasts (from the lack of male hormones) is insulting and distasteful. Ugh! Somehow I feel more insulted because the damn site insulted my intelligence. It didnt even bother to cover it up with some phsyco babble report packed with confounding words to scare the shit out of me (Like I often do).

Yet, it felt like it was speaking directly to aging-ungracefully me. I already have love handles & dry skin to worry about. I recently started using moisturizer for my dry skin and i'm still uncomfortable about it. (I'm not as flamboyant as I blog).

Androjane is all man honey! Even if smells like roses & vanilla... er.. well.. sort of anyways....

Love you so much, can’t count all the ways
I’d die for you boy, and all they can say is
He’s not your kind

They never get tired of puttin’ me down
And I never know when I cum around
What I’m gonna find
Don’t let them make up your mind
Don’t you know

Boy, you’ll be a woman soon
Please come take my hand
Boy, you’ll be a woman soon
Soon you’ll need a man

Neil Diamond ~ Boy you'll be a woman soon (AJ's Stiff Remix)

So Vogue La~

Works being a bitch. I thought I could post in peace but NooooOOOooooo! But I really wanted to do something fun. I was horrified that Kitty (now long gone back to his belovED) didn't know about the song~ Vogue. Here are somethings that are

"SO VOGUE LA"

SO VOGUE LA Janie!

This is Sooo the sort of anime girl I would be. Cute, color coordinated but clothes tacky & soft toy in tow. WTF? And those funny black thingmajigs hanging from her/my waist will keep the boys guessing & snickering...

SO VOGUE LA Capri Pants!

This is a post secret postcard i sort of "saved" for Aimee... Not that it matters much but she likes capri pants & well, this guy is affraid... lol...

SO VOGUE LA Pins On Coppers!

"I'm anti-graft" says this badge on this policeman (Star today). If anything, this badge will be useful when they want to hint for a bribe. I can imagine a copper nudging his badge in the exact same pose telling me "You have been speeding and have to pay a hefty fine..." Ugh! Who ever came up with this dumbass idea must have came up with the "tak nak" (dun wan) campaign for anti-smokers. Wonderful waste of money.

SO VOGUE LA wedding dresses
Richard Brenson in a wedding dress! Somehow this is the kind of disturbing image I have in my head when wingedman talks about his classes in FF....

SO VOGUE LA Absolut Vodka!

The ad talks about impotence but clearly the bottle came already...

SO VOGUE LA holidays!

This was taken from this Roach Museum site where they have displays featuring- Roaches. There was LibberRoachie & Guy Roachie too.

SO VOGUE LA Underwhere!
People of Hawaii in their underwear.. I'm oddly attracted to the guy with the super big afro but disturbed by The Others...

SO VOUGE LA Snakeskin belt!

Couple of months back there was some hoo-haa about a snake curling itself around a statue of an Hindu Diety in Puchong. Sort of like a belt no? I thought it was cool.

SO VOGUE LA Goat's Milk!

Yes! Any picture post wouldnt be complete without a picture of a goat! Look how nourishing (and vogue at the right angle) goats can be...

Strike a pondan sesat
Strike a pondan sesat
Vogue, vogue, vogue la,
Vogue, vogue, vogue la,
Cum on, vogue la~
Let your body move to the music [move to the music]
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue la [or i'll bitch slap you]
Let your body go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

Madonna feat AJ~ So Vogue La!!

Anti Achievements

My super long weekend was most restful. If only i didnt accomplish so many anti achievements! Whats that, you may ask?

Well an anti achievement is something puts you a step back from where you were. So if you were on the 2nd floor and wanted to go to the 4th floor but instead tripped on a used condom and ended up in the basement with a broken back, well that would be an anti achievement.

The anti achievement I'm most unproud of is revealing the fact that I'm a manipulative insecure control queen to my baby. Yeap... Thru a series of informative events, I displayed all my freakin faults. He is currently considering a job on an oil rig, FOR REAL! Its funny how these stories work out for the best. I don't have to make these things up.

Was supposed to do part of my final copywriting assignment during the break. This was especially crucial as I was pissed at my group as they didnt seem to care much for the project. The actual outcome? I left my file in the office and so when we met on Sunday, not only did I not do any work, I didnt even have the stuff that we had already done. In short, I became the slacker...

But its ok to be the slacker. I'm tired of taking life so seriously. Seriously... I'm gonna be a white fluffy cloud & let all these things pass thru me....

Whatcha been doing?
Whatcha been doing?
woah woah
haven't seen ya 'round
How you been feeling?
How you been feeling?
woah woah
Dontcha bring me down

Ashlee Simpson~ Boyfriend

Things You Want

I'm sure you are reading this in anticipation of an epic sex escapade with ruggy. Some daring and risky romp I had since the last post. Well I'm not that kind of girl. I wait atleast 1 year after I've stop sleeping with a guy before I reveal the details.

Despite the current tensions, I think we are still going strong. I can't help but "wuv the bugger to itty bitty bits". Dammit. If only his nose wasnt so cute. Oh yeah and of course that whole intelligence bit.

Although I was hoping to atleast spend a fair bit of my one week holiday with my bitch, it really wasnt to be. He cancelled/postponed on me last minute and it was so pissed even tho I knew there really was little that he could do. I suppose I was really looking forward to the day out. I really wanted to take him somewhere nice. But thats the funny thing about things you want.....

Some goals are so much easier to deal with than others. Duff is Easy. Rather molesting Duff is easy. Like the last time we went out to the clubs.... Although I was a little hesitant at first, it was pretty intoxicating stroking the little clefts just above his butt. Ummm.. thats a little too much side tracking I think.

What I suppose I'm trying to say is that be it maintaining a relationship or molest someones butt, it takes guts... Guts to put yourself out there, or put yourself in there, depending on the situation.

Yawn, i dont think I got my point across, even to myself. Anyhoo, forget the supposed moral behind the story and tell me what do you want? Its a pretty broad question so anything goes.......

*insert evil thoughts here*

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for?!

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Take a chance you stupid ho!

Gwen Stefani~ What You Waiting For?

Tera-post-tic

Yeap. Posting all that junk has taken a load off my mind.

Urm If you (the blogvert) are a little confused, basically, this is the last in a series of eight posts that I have done in tandem to clear my head. Still a few smaller things like work and classes buggin me, but I'm feeling better.

I decided that I'm not entitled to dedicate a whole post to how I didnt feel at home in my old home because it was no longer my home. So I don't know where the light switches are and if there are thongs in kitchen. I gave up that right.

So what if Duff is like not near? We can still talk on the phone.... And confirm my biggest fear. (Oh I cant wait to play with his abs..he promised already... Giggle) Thats what friends are for. So you can play with their abs.... and well all the other stuff that really matters.. bla bla bla... or rather baa baa baa...

Mr Goat is still close to me.

If my coursemates want to wait until the last second to do the project, so be it. I could easily do it with them. No need to stress.

Even if work piles on non-stop, it doesnt matter. I still only have 2 hands, 2 eyes & 1 brain to do it all. I will do it all in my time, as I have in the past.... Its good to be back in my stuffy unairconditioned room enjoying my privacy. All my cares are for another day. It will all flow away.

The city streets are wet again with rain
But I'm walkin' just the same
Skies turn to the usual grey
When you turn to face the day
And love don't show up in the pavement cracks
All my water colours fade to black
I'm goin' nowhere and I'm ten steps back
All my dreams have fallen flat

Love don't show in the pavement cracks
There will be no turning back

Time and space will pass us by and by
When we don't see eye to eye
I would have done anything
For happiness to bring ...
But it don't show up in the pavement cracks
I can't even cover up my tracks
I'm goin' nowhere and I'm light years back
Ooh I wish you well

How come
Every day
I'm still waiting for the change?
How come
I still say
Give me strength to live?

Where is my comfort zone?
A simple place to call my own
'Cause everything I wanna be
Comes crashing down on me
And it don't show up in the pavement cracks
I can't even recognise my tracks
You and I can't turn the whole thing back
Ooh I wish you well

Annie Lennox ~ Pavement Cracks

Hurley Needs an Attitude Adjustment

Lost Spoiler Alert!

In the some of the last few episodes of LOST I've seen, Hurley was bitching about those damn numbers that allowed him to win the lottery, stranded the french woman & were written on the hatch. The poor bugger didn't even know he would have to end up punching them into the damn machine so what ever may happen, doesnt happen. He should know those numbers are still evil when he got them from the crazy guy & he needs to just embrace em.

As most gambling guys would know, sometimes the eviler the numbers the better they are to win the lottery. When there is an accident or some sort of road tragedy, some Malaysians hoping to get those luck numbers will simply park by the side of the road, even if it is a major highway. So what if there is a super jam? They don't really need to bother about the people that don't care about them F'ing numbers.

Sure it could be argued that some of them sincerely want to help, others are hoping to make a quick buck & even more are just bloody curious. Anything for good numbers right?

Talking about anything for good numbers, I would need to mention that poor european lady that was conned into marrying this local guy, only to be sacrificed (as in bled to death on some unholy altar in the estate) for some.. ahem.. lottery numbers, that didnt even work.

But not all lottery numbers are evil. Take for example the fact that many a time after I visit my grandmother's grave, my car number has come out as one of the winning numbers. Yep, but it hasn't been bought before. It would be great to win tho. Cross your fingers and wish me luck with my lucky numbers because the only thing evil about them, is lil ol' me.

I was just guessin’,
At numbers and figures,
Pullin’ the puzzles apart
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Coldplay ~ The Scientist

Runaway with me My Love!

Ruggy asked me to runaway with him last night.

Yawn... What a wonderful idea! We could pack our bags and leave this place for good. But shouldnt we have left yesterday?

And just like that he pretended to sulk when I pretended not to take him seriously. Seriously. I would love to runaway with him, except two things. First thinggy, where would we run to? Second thinggy, I don't think loving him that much is healthy.

Certain things that have been said, and even more so those that haven't have caused me to come to the conclusion- my relationship needs to be treated as something temporary & as a passtime. Because thats just what it is, a passtime. Horrible doesn't it sound?

Not as horrible as some off the things I've herd about my relationship from ruggy. There is only one person I have dared shared the truth with and no, he doesnt have hooves. Still I'm holding back from him extra details. I got myself into this mess, I'll get myself out. No way I could admit to my dellusional thoughts & how bloody different they were/are from ruggy's.

No. He still loves me.
He says he does.
He says so.
He claims so.
He acts so.
So what if he is ok with our relationship? There is more. Men are jerks. I'm not about to hate him, but I don't think I can love him very much either. We are good together, but I somehow know, as much as he does & admits to, we will never possibly stay together forever. So running away would be great. Provided I have some security I will make it out there by myself when the time comes. I'm still in love, just not as much. Ruggy is smart. Ruggy is beatiful. Ruggy is mine. Until he runs away...

Got up early, found something's missing
My only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
And soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second,
Then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name?
I guess it crept away.

Andain~ Beautiful Things.

Cousin: Same Family, Different Person

My cousin & I are about the same age. So its natural for us to attend kindergarden all the way to highschool together. We grew up almost as best friends and really, spent lots of time together. Even when we went to college, we decided to to stay together. Its not always easy to stay with family & we were driving each other crazy & went our own ways. But even after we drifted apart, we still spend some time together, sometimes.

Its interesting to see how we have changed. Sexual orientation. Hobbies. Interests. Friends... Very different. But still we can spend time chilling. Talking. Smoking. Staring at absolutely nothing and with nothing to say to each other. But silent companionship is like that. Gawd I missed that feeling. No need to pass judgement. Not passed judgement on. No need for useless words. No useless actions. We have passed many hours with each other just like that. We could be fishing, smoking in the mamak (cafe), floating in the waterfall, driving to the beach or even just star gazing. Scary eh? I don't even have this with my lover!

But I had to ruin it. I had to tell him he needs to do more with his life than stay with his parents and play his playstation all day till it was time to drink. He needed to move on. He needed to get a job and not stay in that forsaken town. The town would consume him keep him & his soul forever and ever. Just like a certain uncle we share, he would be stuck doing nothing much.

Its great that he has given up on his addictions but he needed to get on his feet and join the rest of us poor unhappy working bastards. Its ok. Its tough but we are tough too... It has to be better than this... Can he be happy with all this? Doing just about nothing most of the time...

I wasn't happy in his situation, I was almost swallowed whole. Destined never to be interlectually stimulated by anyone, plagued with a life of half attempts & no friends. Worst of all for me, but not possibly him, I would have almost no hopes of never finding a special someone. At 25 there never has been a harder time in my life. Now, I've been working for 9 months & I'm dealing with the demands on me. The changes and all. Sort off...

Wonderful unakward silences or not, he will hear me bitch about getting a life until he avoids me or tries reality for a change...

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
for a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
that the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
for whatever that means

and I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
in this institution
and I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray ev'ry single day
for a revolution

Four Non Blondes ~ What's Up?

Alcoholic not-so Annonymous

Ever watched Urban Legends, the movie? There is also the sequel but thats beyond the point. Why I mentioned it is because there have been many local tales that have sort of become their own urban legends. Too possible to ignore but too grusome to believe fully. For example the guy who drank a whole bottle of cheap vodka (RM20 = USD5). After he finished it he started puking and well, he ended up in the hospital & could never drink again.

Recently I herd that story again. but it was about this guy who I grew up with and imagining him puking his guts out was funny, because he has a comical face. And well I didnt take it seriously...

Until my cousin explained how he no longer dared call the fella to drink alcohol anymore because it was really freaky the night he puked dark, clotted blood. They thought it was just normal puke at first untill the guy passed out & continued puking... The blood got everywhere. On his face, on his shirt & on his pants.... Too grusome to believe, eh?

Well its a real story. And somehow I don't feel so bad about being a cheap drunk. I guess sticking to one drink a night is enough of a buzz. Drinking assorted alcohols in excess could make me a real legend...

I get knocked down

But I get up again

You’re never going to

Keep me down

Puking the night away

Puking the night away

He drinks a whisky drink

He drinks a vodka drink

He drinks a lager drink

He drinks a cider drink..

Chumawamba~ Tubthumping

TV Reality Blows (Up)

My sister's (& my) TV blew up about a week ago. And in the middle of my sex romp with the rugster, she started yelling and shouting, seeking attention regarding her problem n the worst kind of way. Not that I needed anything else to spoil my mood. She demanded I do something about it then & whined and whined. I refused to look into it until the next day. The summation of my recommendation.

1. It looks a total loss, but YOU must check it out. Not me.

2. If you want to buy a new I can help you pay for it or get your father to buy you a new one.

3. If you want your father to buy you a new one, you will call him now and be nice. Then I will proceed to call him tomolo and tell him I blew up your tv and soon your problem will be solve. Sounds simple?

Uh..uh.. She couldnt even get off her fat ass to send in the tv for fixing or call our dear father just to be nice. She said all i had to do was go back to our hometown and "take" the extra tv in the guest room that isn't even used anymore. Ok?

Not ok... She changed her mind and asked me to get cash for a new set & uh maybe.. a dvd player as well. So I decided to talk to our father and explain the situation. Settled?

Not exactly. She throws more hissy fits and expects me to bend to her desire of me going to buy the tv for her. No wait she wants to buy it herself. Oh no, can't our father buy it first and send it up? What the duck?

yes... WTF! When I finally got back to my fathers place and he asked how much I needed for a new tv, I asked her to find out how much it costs etc. She turns all pissy and asks me to bring up the old one instead.

WARNIN! WARNIN! WARNIN! The TV may not be the only thing capable of exploding. Then, as peacefully as I could, I explained that I will give his damn daughter what she desires and hopes he will cooperate. I was tired of reasoning with unreasonable her. Maybe he could see my blood boil. Maybe he could feel I was close to having enough of my sister's whims. He helped me "take" the TV and put it into my car. For that I'm grateful.

What I wasnt too grateful for was the fact then when I called my sister to tell her I would need her help to carry the tv up she asked~ Wasn't the plan to get the cash and buy one here?

She did come down and take the tv from my car. "How am I supposed to bring it up?"

"Don;t know, how?"After which she slammed my car door so hard. I shouted " I hate you too!"

So when I got to our unit & I shouted to her "You cracked my car window. I hope you are happy now. Don't worry. You can pay when ever you have the money."

No she didnt crack it. But i won't have anyone being such a bitch to my car. She is innocent.

She threw some money at my door. And when I went to take it she said "I don't know why you are so mad at me?" Of course I will eventually give her back her money and let her try to reason things out again. After all she isnt the only bitch living in this house. We will be ok eventually. But not tonight. Tonite I will continously blog until all this frustration has left my soul. I dare her to turn on that tv tonight.

Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

Smashing Pumpkins~ Tonight, Tonight

Happy Deepavali to Me (and everyone else)

I could be considered selfish because I put myself first. But putting myself first is something everyone has to learn to do to survive or so I feel. Love thy family, love thy friends & love thy neighbour. But not as much as you love yourself.

The Indian neighbour that my father (who is chinese btw, in case you were wondering) was best friends with; then hated for a few years; and now is best friends with again was the only indian at my father deepavali barbeque. But thats really nice because he doesnt have many friends in the area. But I actually suspected that there was a more malicious reason for the cheerful monday night pot luck-barbeque.

Several months ago at a simmilar "just because its near a festival" barbeque, my father told me a bit of news. Without my mother, but half the town including cousins, uncles & aunts present, he told me he needed to divorce my mother. He NEEDED to divorce my mother so he could legally bring in his new whore-bride to live legally in our home. Pissed off but unfortunately pissed drunk I told him to do what he wanted & left him and everyone to their merry making. I proceeded to toss the rest of the night away in my locked bedroom.

Can ya blame me for suspecting ulterior motives? But this time nothing happened. But thats most probably cos I was smart enough to only have one Johnny Walker Coke & proceed to be alone as soon as I had enough to eat.

Well I also left because I was sick of his friends, his workers & my uncles asking me the same question. " So you came back alone?" First few times I can be polite about it but after the 20th person, being the sexually confused whale that slobbers on people asked me, I had to grunt & leave graciously.

"YES of-bloody-hell-course I came back alone! None of my fcuked up siblings were willing to spend time to see the bloody old man who decided he needed a bitch less than half his age to make him happy. My mother is also pissed-off-neurotic-scared-shitless-affraid-of-coming-back because she doesn't know what cursed shit she will have to deal with next. Oh and of course I would most certainly not bring any girlfriends back to meet you sick people because she would be worried for her safety."

Not that I could bring back a girlfriend really.... Ruggy would look awful in a wig & sari. He simply has hairy thighs.

I couldn't truely smile about anything in front of my father no matter how much I tried. We sat down during some uncomfortable silences & I told him why I wasnt at his party. He didnt understand very well. But it doesnt matter anymore. I didnt trust him. I didn't trust the new look to my home. I didn't trust the safety of the bread. I didn't trust anyone. No wait, I don't trust anyone. But that doesn't mean I have to have a misserable time.... Or infect my friends with this attitude. Happy Deepavali guys!

Ain’t nobody
Loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain’t nobody
Loves me better than me

I wait for night time to come
And bring me to me
Can’t believe I’m the one

Chaka Khan~ Ain't Nobody (AJ's AJ remix)

AJ enigma geared 8 days

Yes I'm back to update, and not a moment too soon. There are too many thoughts & stories clouding my mine. I really need to get rid of them so that I can enjoy whats left of my holiday. After a long work week & classes, followed by all the other stuff, I had to go visit my father in my home town. Thats right, HAD TO! As much I hate being near his bitch, I owed him a visit & I had other junk that needed to be taken care off.

During the trip, I met old friends & caught up with family. My father even held a deepavali barbeque, even tho he was formerly taoist, then freethinker turned muslim turned christian. But the true delight of my trip is the bottles of jam tarts made by my Malay aunt so that I can share them with my sister & mother. Yeap, I'm of mostly chinese background but my father and uncles have married graciously so we could enjoy all sorts of religious celebration. Any reason for a party is a good reason, right?

Err, actually there has been more to my week than whats up there. That will be sort of the shortened sensored version I will feed most of my friends & workmates, just because I rather not talk about things that are bothering me so they will leave me alone. Not that I'm antisocial, but I cant stand pointless banter with others. I will attempt to post all my worries & cares away, so my mind can start fresh again.

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

Enigma ~ Return To Innocence