If Gay Means Happy Why Am I So Sad?

Seriously, my life should be all a constant flow of all night long parties, sparkly clothes, experimental cocktails, living beyond my means, attention from beautiful strangers & of course random sex with men! I want more! More! More! More! More dammit. Every second should be an explosive rapture of enjoyment. My life should be one big orgasm!

BUT NO!

I have to work to make money, most of which goes to paying bills & buying things that I don’t want. For example, I don’t want a petrol, health insurance or dental floss. But yes, I do NEED all this stuff, which sucks because it leaves very little money for all the things that matter. I have to do boring things like paying bills online, changing the DVDs in the DVD player & moisturizing. Okay, rubbing lotion all over my body like masturbation is self-pleasuring but I would rather have someone else do it!

Where is this “self indulging rant” coming from?

There are two reasons, first I was told that I am only attracted to bad boys. Oh it is so fucking true. Sure I will sleep with anyone I find cute no matter how nice, sweet & delightful they may be, but that special attraction seems to be only reserved for assholes, jerks & self centered sonofbitches, which seem to be in short supply of late.

The second thing is today I had a unpleasant a phone conversation with this guy I unsuccessfully slept with.

Guy: This year has been good for me. So many men have wanted to date me, not just sleep with me…

AJ: Well, I wanted to sleep with you, but it didn’t happen did it? (here I am trying to divert the conversation to something more important and meaningsful than him, i.e. me)

Guy: That’s because every time you wanted to do it you were disgustingly slutty…

DISGUSTINGLY SLUTTY?

Excuse me! I am well poised & a model of self control! Compared to Carnie, I am a hermit monk meditating in the hills! No matter how many drinks I had, on the dance floor, I have always keep my shirt on & my lips only lick above the nipple line! My hands may go down other peoples pants but I always politely return the gesture! Sure I dry hump my best friends to the beats but doesn’t everybody?

Despite how much slutboy may disagree, my pants do not drop 5 inches below my underwear! It is never more than 4 inches, and that is only if I am wearing underwear! As far as molesting men go, I may grope ass & tweak nipples & but I never do any numbers on the one eyed monster. I also limit myself to fondling a meager maximum of 3 men at a time!

Disgustingly slutty indeed! HMPH! Its enough to make a boy/girl eat one and a quarter pizzas by him/herself. And I did. And now I am a sad/gay man. At least now I am certain of one asshole I won’t be sleeping with! Meanwhile, I am still searching for the jerk of my dreams to share my queen size bed, porno & alcohol with…

The point of this post is, no matter how sad I feel, I know I should never take life too seriously, because it is just life.

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

Snow Patrol ft Martha Wainwright ~ Set The Fire To The Third Bar

Do We Have To Go Baaack?

Yes my darling sister, like it or not, we have to. Its bloody Chinese New Year & like all Chinese children where are destined to make the suffering pilgrimage until the day we have a big blow out with our parents or somebody dies. Well, at least that’s what I hear.

I don’t blame her for being in a cranky mood. She most probably slept as unwell as I did. Haunting dreams of people I’ve wronged & let down. Yeap! That’s life at the home town. They always want more from you! It’s never enough. All the “you should do this…”s and the “you should do that…”s are more than enough to drive a guy crazy. Then there are the secrets & subjugations.

No, I am a filial son & a darling friend. I call my parents every week but its just never enough. It is just that no matter how much I give it seems like they never get enough. More more more! I know they aren’t perfect & I do accept their flaws. But there are somethings that I am just not comfortable doing, like carrying babies! I wish they’d listen to trance music sometimes…

Oh Yeah, Don't Let My Misery Dampen Your Mood (I always get like this),
Happy Chinese New Year To You Guys!

So little joy, so little joy
It's complicated
Some little time, so little time
When your heart's been faded
So little hope, so little hope
I'm praying for love love love
Is more than enough

Simply being loved loved loved
Simply being loved loved loved
Simply being loved loved loved
Is more than enough
Yeah yeah

BT~ Simply Being Loved

How To Be Dead

A tale from two cities, separated by the Straits of Johor & much much more, this is a conversation between another fantastic blogger Jups & my super self.

AJ: Yo, Jupies- BEWARE! The dark shroud of Valentines is almost upon us!

Jups: I'm gonna pretend I didn't read that.

AJ: Well yesterday I got 2 separate one of those stalker-esque SMSes which basically rambled on like "You don't know me, but how have you been doing…" I hate being in a situation where I have to play guessing games about people I never seen! People do get crazy desperate around this time of year. GAH!

Jups: I'm not even gonna dignify its existence this year. In fact, all this hoopla-ies is making me sickies.

AJ: Coolies! Lets do a Valentines' do's & don't's dialogue because we are so smart, spontaneous & unpretentious…It should be TOTALLY (yeah right) unpolished, unedited & unadulterated… *smirk*

Jups: hahahaa.. basically how not to feel like a lowlife loser... right? Hmm.. you go first!

AJ: Well the most obvious don't is not to incite the wrath of the bitch queen of everything- AJ. So DON'T be a desperate stalker type randomly SMSing/ contacting potential dates! Polite people just don't do that, and well, sluts should have enough guts to ask someone is interested to have sex straight up!

Jups: Don't go prowling in clubs where you have to compete with hookers in bikinis.

AJ: Oh! Oh! Oh! Avoid all mass media & annoying events this should include all Valentines' TV specials- even stupid documentaries like 'the love of chocolate' and radio stations trying to hook you up with strangers. Better to rent a good movie or watch a non-lovey-dovey TV series!

Jups: Have you seen Swarovski's flaming hearts? They look like pink vomit on fire.

AJ: That's not really a don't or a do, is it?

Jups: Hmmm.. Absolutely do not read romance-related articles like the ones that start with "50 ways to propose". If you're gonna eat ice cream, be dignified about it. Go to the ice cream parlor and order a nice sundae. Don't gulp down a tub while wearing sweats.

AJ: And when it comes to food you better be reasonable. Never forget, there is a life after Valentines! Moderation baby!

Jups: Wise words darling.

AJ: Over do the fried foods, fatty foods & sweet foods on the V day and you will have to pay by over doing the gym/diet for the rest of the year!

Jups: No lowering of standards. No accepting dates/propositions just because you want to be held.

AJ: But it's okay to have a nice dinner with several single & equally as stable/unstable friends.

Jups: Must do dinners. Must not overdo "fuck valentine's day" rants.. (look who's talking)

AJ: I think its okay to throw small hissy fits but nothing that involves liquids/fluids of any sort. Venting- good, erupting- bad…

Jups: Change your latest weakness's phone number to "dont call this number bitch" (wise words from a soul sister) and DONT CALL HIM

AJ: LOL… Yeah in line with that- Don't get too drunk and be oddly tempted to call him or any exs you may so happen to have a compulsion to confess your undying love to! Don't go drunkenly telling your friends you love them unless, like me, you do it all the time. Should we recommend some music? Hee hee hee…

Jups: lol good do not listen to All by Myself..ughhhhh

AJ: Avoid all breakup songs! My particular worst ever would be The Scientist by Coldplay! I once listened to that song for 4 days straight… I know a goat who still cringes at that thought hahaahaha.

Jups: oh my god yes! AVOID COLDPLAY, AVOID TEARS!

So single boys & girls, there you have it- follow these simple rules & you'll do just fine. And if bitterness still builds, repeat this fail-safe mantra- 'Its better to love myself than some premature-ejaculator'.

take me down
6 underground
the ground beneath your feet
laid out low
nothing to go
nowhere a way to meet.
I've got a head full of drought
down here, so far off
losing out, round here
over ground, watch this space
I'm open to falling from grace.

Sneaker Pimps Six Underground

Good/Bad Things Happen In 3s

Old wives’ tale or not, 3 seems to be a magic number. Inspired by Musang’s post It’s a Three Way and So Much More (look for it in February 2007), I examined all the 3 ways I’ve had in my life. Not sexual in nature but the friendships I’ve built. Carnie, Slutboy & me- that’s the latest slutty trinity. Duff, the Goat & me- the unholy trinity spread across the Asia now. 1d, Pinks & me- the unlikely bunch back in University. Having 2 people to depend on makes life, especially while clubbing so much easier.

Can’t remember that cute-guy-I-met’s name?
Need to run distraction on 2 different guys whiles I slut with a third?
Wanna to get that hawt guy’s shirt off but don’t wanna do it yourself?
Like to open a bottle of wine?
Feel like a dirty 3 way dance?
So drunk that I need to be carried to the car?

But then again, the situation isn’t always sunny…

Our love ... his trust
I might as well take a gun
And put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this...anymore
Woaoaoao...anymore
Rihanna~ Unfaithful

Half Nekkid Thursday: Child Play

I wanted to do a post about how sexy my hair still looks fantabulously sexy, almost Pamela-Anderson-in-Baywatch-like, even though I haven’t washed it in 3 days. Sounds ‘Icky’ I know but I’ve been unwell (and more like lazy). But as I was standing on my balcony trying to perv into other peoples’ windows (I maybe sick but the hormones are still raging, you know) I saw some kids playing at the playground below.

"I swear I'm no pedo! The kid just likes bending over like that!"

Although I do get some kicks from guys in uniform, these were real boys & I’m no pedo. Since it was lunch time, clearly they were taking the opportunity to have some fun before they got on the bus to school. It really brought back some of my primary school memories.

As a kid, I remember mucking about in the playground opposite my grandma’s house every afternoon before school. My cousin & I would rush through lunch & dash to the field to get up to mischief. Believe it or not, when I was not playing masak-masak (cooking toys), I would get into the dirt & build all sorts of stuff. Together, my cousin & I would build mini damns of rocks to block drains. The plan was to corner the guppies, thus making them easier to catch. But those damn fish were so small they easily escaped through the cracks like sperms in a torn condom.

Once we grew tired of damned damns, we worked on building bridges across the drain. Using sticks & small branches, we would dutifully add to the pile every day until a solid platform was completed. Not satisfied, we would then slap on mud using it like cement. But mud being mud, it wouldn’t dry so we then decided to pile rocks under the bridge & build a fire to dry it.

Architecturally challenged right from the start, the mud didn’t just dry out but the sticks in the bridge caught fire too. Still it looked solid enough to warrant the confidence of this little girl to cross on it. Needless to say, the damn bitch broke the bridge & ended up ankle deep in mud.

Yes, we were hopping mad she destroyed all our hard work but she certainly inspired our next project, which was to build booby traps! Which brings us back to the biggest booby trap of all- my hair. Sure it looks good, but I assure you, its stinky/sticky! Hee Hee Hee….

"Sorry birdie, go away! Build your nest somewhere cleaner, like in a nuclear waste dump!"

Daydream
I fell asleep beneath the flowers
For a couple of hours
On a beautiful day
Daydream
I dream of you beneath the flowers
For a couple of hours
Such a beautiful day
Lupe Fiasco ft Jil Scott~ Daydreamin'

AJ’S MOST RANDOM POST EVER (for now)

Props To The Home Grown Bitches!
Okay, maybe Zabrina & Jo Jer who won the Amazing Race Asia won’t like to be called bitches, but they certainly deserve some recognition for winning the damn race. Its not because they are the first all female team to do so, nor is it because they are Malaysian, but simply because I really couldn’t stand some of the other teams. Amongst all the races, this race had the most lazy-fat-ass-ness, not-so-smart-ness, boo-hoo-hoo-I-am-afraid-of-everything-ness & whoa-is-me-I’m-such-a-sore-ass-looser-ness. I don’t think its because the Asians are not as tough as the Americans, just that we bitch more.

Anti-Emotions
Alcohol often induces less than proper behavior such as sticking your hands down another man’s shirt, letting some guy stick his hand down your underwear-less pants or licking your friend’s ear. This can often leave disgusted looks on people who find such acts reprehensible. The trick to surviving such disasters is not to dwell on it & fuck-care whatever comments may come your way. If they can’t accept the light heartedness of the moments, they most probably aren’t worth the trouble. Self sabotage is not pretty but can be salvaged with some good old cold emotionless bitchiness.

Occupational Hazards
Its no secret: I hate my job! More like I can’t stand being paid peanuts for putting up with that amount of bullshit. I need a change. The question now is really do I focus on the offer that has a bit of status, okay pay & good working hours, or do I go with the one with more status, better pay & really bad working hours? I mean, how will I know which is the right one for me? Before you try to advise this stubborn mule, I’ve made up my mind, many times. I think I know what to do…

The Pink Guide To Life
Recently, I have been forced to think about the different terminology gay people use in their lives & how it all has double meaning.
Gay Temple is essentially the club were we go dancing & slut with other men.
Gay Food is essentially hot men which usually can’t be consumed.
Gay Hell is where you go to if you actually eat anything deep-fried or laden with sugar. That’s right to the bottom of the feeding chain.
Gay Heaven is when you’re into some guy & he is into you too.
Gay Disaster can either be fashion in nature or being caught slutting by a guy you like with another man you like.

Puff The Magic Dragon
I am still working hard on quitting smoking, but as expected, the task seems much more difficult than I anticipated! Down to about 4-7 fags a day on week days and about 10 on weekends. Rather than thinking of reasons why I should stop, I’ve been trying to convince myself of all the benefits I’ll enjoy by quitting. Sounds like the same thing, well, it isn’t. My crankiness may be increasing but I still have some time until my March 16 deadline.

Fresh Off The Truck
Today, the Gardenia bread delivery guy did me a favor. He let me change the almost stale loaf of bread I just bought for a fresher one & he did so quickly without even having to be asked. I’d consider that a random act of kindness. Maybe the world isn’t out to get me after all, or is it just waiting for me to let my guard down before biting me in the ass, again?

AJ Supplies Supprise
Enjoy barebacking or unprotected sex in all its glorious forms? Click here, you can thank me later...

Oh and I've been nominated for the G*spot Awards on Hush & Listen too!

Tricky time never slows
That moment walked me by without bothering to say
Lucky time never stops
That moment knocked me down without bothering to
Say Hello
Say Hello
Say Hello
Say Hello

Deep Dish~ Say Hello