How To Be Dead

A tale from two cities, separated by the Straits of Johor & much much more, this is a conversation between another fantastic blogger Jups & my super self.

AJ: Yo, Jupies- BEWARE! The dark shroud of Valentines is almost upon us!

Jups: I'm gonna pretend I didn't read that.

AJ: Well yesterday I got 2 separate one of those stalker-esque SMSes which basically rambled on like "You don't know me, but how have you been doing…" I hate being in a situation where I have to play guessing games about people I never seen! People do get crazy desperate around this time of year. GAH!

Jups: I'm not even gonna dignify its existence this year. In fact, all this hoopla-ies is making me sickies.

AJ: Coolies! Lets do a Valentines' do's & don't's dialogue because we are so smart, spontaneous & unpretentious…It should be TOTALLY (yeah right) unpolished, unedited & unadulterated… *smirk*

Jups: hahahaa.. basically how not to feel like a lowlife loser... right? Hmm.. you go first!

AJ: Well the most obvious don't is not to incite the wrath of the bitch queen of everything- AJ. So DON'T be a desperate stalker type randomly SMSing/ contacting potential dates! Polite people just don't do that, and well, sluts should have enough guts to ask someone is interested to have sex straight up!

Jups: Don't go prowling in clubs where you have to compete with hookers in bikinis.

AJ: Oh! Oh! Oh! Avoid all mass media & annoying events this should include all Valentines' TV specials- even stupid documentaries like 'the love of chocolate' and radio stations trying to hook you up with strangers. Better to rent a good movie or watch a non-lovey-dovey TV series!

Jups: Have you seen Swarovski's flaming hearts? They look like pink vomit on fire.

AJ: That's not really a don't or a do, is it?

Jups: Hmmm.. Absolutely do not read romance-related articles like the ones that start with "50 ways to propose". If you're gonna eat ice cream, be dignified about it. Go to the ice cream parlor and order a nice sundae. Don't gulp down a tub while wearing sweats.

AJ: And when it comes to food you better be reasonable. Never forget, there is a life after Valentines! Moderation baby!

Jups: Wise words darling.

AJ: Over do the fried foods, fatty foods & sweet foods on the V day and you will have to pay by over doing the gym/diet for the rest of the year!

Jups: No lowering of standards. No accepting dates/propositions just because you want to be held.

AJ: But it's okay to have a nice dinner with several single & equally as stable/unstable friends.

Jups: Must do dinners. Must not overdo "fuck valentine's day" rants.. (look who's talking)

AJ: I think its okay to throw small hissy fits but nothing that involves liquids/fluids of any sort. Venting- good, erupting- bad…

Jups: Change your latest weakness's phone number to "dont call this number bitch" (wise words from a soul sister) and DONT CALL HIM

AJ: LOL… Yeah in line with that- Don't get too drunk and be oddly tempted to call him or any exs you may so happen to have a compulsion to confess your undying love to! Don't go drunkenly telling your friends you love them unless, like me, you do it all the time. Should we recommend some music? Hee hee hee…

Jups: lol good do not listen to All by Myself..ughhhhh

AJ: Avoid all breakup songs! My particular worst ever would be The Scientist by Coldplay! I once listened to that song for 4 days straight… I know a goat who still cringes at that thought hahaahaha.

Jups: oh my god yes! AVOID COLDPLAY, AVOID TEARS!

So single boys & girls, there you have it- follow these simple rules & you'll do just fine. And if bitterness still builds, repeat this fail-safe mantra- 'Its better to love myself than some premature-ejaculator'.

take me down
6 underground
the ground beneath your feet
laid out low
nothing to go
nowhere a way to meet.
I've got a head full of drought
down here, so far off
losing out, round here
over ground, watch this space
I'm open to falling from grace.

Sneaker Pimps Six Underground

Is There Really Too Much Trash In This World!

Today I spent some time cleaning up my pc, and one of the documents I found was an e-mail from the Uni lecturer who supervised my final year project. I had totally forgotten about it, but reading it sure brought back memories.

Dear AJ,

I have been asked to tell all my students that you have to clean up any mess that you left in the lab...(I am not sure if this applies to you). By the way I am very very sorry that you didn't get a better mark for your story. It was a gross miscarriage of justice. I had given you an High Distinction, but the other two retards gave everybody the same mark. I made a big fuss at the staff meeting, but only managed to get you up to a Distinction. Other students shared the same fate actually, while others were marked far too high. There was a lot of politics involved I think (plus a good deal of dementia). I couldn't believe some of the comments on your report -totally dumb.

anyhow, I did try to help, and your report was very good. I would like you JoJo and LiLi to do a joint paper for publication.

Being the competitive bitch I am, I put my heart & lots of effort (I don’t have a soul) into that project. From picking hundreds of minute worms out of rotting leaves to preparing extra handouts to help the judging panel better understand what I was hoping to accomplish, I toiled day & night. I even wore my supervisors favorite purple color and made my Power Point presentation to match. But one thing I forgot to do was to suck up to the right people.

That's my cute 22 year old ass collecting samples in the middle of a stinky irrigation drain..

Thanks to the age old problem of politics, my results weren't amazing like me. The lecturer famous for staring ladies in the boobs refused my handouts on the grounds that they were “not environmentally friendly”. I quickly commented that once the presentation was over, I would take the 2 sheets of paper for recycling (what I want to say was he was wasting oxygen by living).

This is another site where I had to collect my samples too, looks prettier? You try using a mini foot pump to blow up a bloody raft!

Sure I was disappointed that I didn’t get what I deserved but that’s life. Not everyone liked the guy who turned up to receive his scholarship certificate with 4 earrings, a tongue stud, torn jeans & flip flops. When you don’t conform & don’t fit in, you will often face adversity. And even if you do, some shameless retards will try to steal your thunder.

Something similar is happening to me at work lately but fuck that! As frustrated as I may feel, I refuse to let the whore get under my skin. She may have the upper hand, but I have truth, quit wit & plenty of gay diva attitude on my side!

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

Nelly Furtado~ Try

Phantoms & Anthems

I really suck at karaoke because I hate the sound of my voice on the microphone. But, I still go singing with the boys simply because with all the sad songs, angry longs & fun songs, alcohol & camaraderie, its like a fucking group therapy session, without the tears.

It was ex no 4’s birthday session but ex no 5, Ruggy, the one I still loathe was there. Truly I always try to avoid contact with no. 5 but no. 4 still means too much to me not to be there. English speaking gay men travel in small circles here in Malaysia but I wasn’t about to let that stop me.

I drove down into the city alone & I had to be careful because I didn’t have Teks nor Carnie as my safety net. You’d think I’d be used to being alone now but very often I’d have a friend by my side. No big (deal), we were all born into this world alone & that’s how we will leave it. Traveling down this road alone, watching the signs as I go does help me clear my head of all the accumulated rubbish.

I didn’t know that many of the boys, less than half even, but that it didn’t matter that much. I wasn’t feeling super social/slutty anyways. I just needed my drink & attacked the Jack Daniels with much gusto.

Between the disco lights (yes, the room had its own disco lights thingy) and booze, I was buzzing. Maybe I’ve been too busy fighting my demons lately but I hated the world today.

The thing is, on this earth, there are the good guys & the bad guys. The good guys genuinely care & take the effort to be nice. The bad guys are fuckers and don’t care whose they destroy, as long as they get what they want. The fuckers I knew that night (Ruggy included) were undeservingly blessed with good looks & the nice guys just not that physically attractive.

Its fine it the world favors the bold. But fucking hell, why does it favor the beautiful as well? I mean, I do get my perks from people who think I am attractive, but regardless I am never a bitch to people who don’t deserve it. If there was any fairness on this planet, nice guys wouldn’t have to finish last, lonely & unsatisfied. Equally as guilty of fucked up behavior are all those people who only love being taken in (and spitted out) by members of the asshole club. I see it happening all the time! I felt so pissed as I sat there that I wanted to find a knife and slit my pretty wrist so I would not have to be part of this sordid existence.

But rather, I shifted my focus & chatted with one of the nice guys. I’m so sure he is as lonely, if not lonelier than me. Regardless of the pile of shit festering on his back, he has never let it bring him down. Well, not that I’ve seen. With his cheery disposition & outgoing personality, his smile always lights up my mood.

Why don’t I date him?

Two things. Firstly the attraction isn’t strong enough. Secondly, I’m (pretty certain I’m) a cold damaged bitch incapable of having a fulfilling relationship without driving the other party insane. There I said it. The reason why I can’t connect emotionally anymore.

I don’t blame Ruggy, like any arrangement, he had every right to leave. Its just that how he intentionally said countless hurtful things to hurt me, still hurts me. I can’t even talk about all of them because they still fucking hurt. Never has anyone so callously and intentionally crushed my heart into a million pieces. Until now I’m trying to unbreak my heart & be less damaged.

If I had to talk to him, say if he came up to me like he tried to the last time, there were many less than spontaneous but choice phrases in my head, like “I’ve nothing nice to say to you, you son of a fat ass bitch”, “Say another fucking word and I’ll push you to the floor & pound you to a pulp, fucktard” and “Even if you weren’t getting fucking fatter or fucking balder, I still find it impossible to look at you without wanting to punch your fucking living day lights out”.

The phrase that kept on replay though was “You still owe me 20 fucking bucks you cheap ass shit head, and, since we both know you’re not fucking going to pay me back, lets consider it a get the fuck out of my face fee”.

But he didn’t try to talk so I played nicely with all the other boys & girls. As he told me as we broke up, ‘I would never stop hating him until I got re-attached’. And since I am happily (but unstably) single, I can hate him all I want. Even if Teks thinks I should let it go, I think that I shouldn’t have to be anything other than what I am trying to be.

Towards the end, ex no. 4 passed out & I lent him my lap. He too has caused me much heartache but I’ve forgiven him unconditionally simply because it was never his lucid intent & I’ve unintentionally hurt him many times too. There is still a part of me that whispered “I still love you” as he lay drunk on my thigh with his hand tightly clenching mine. As emotionally unavailable as I am, I can’t help missing that loving feeling, as especially with all the people making out around me.

I doubt the people around me could tell how I really felt that night. I had my gay diva face well super-glued on. Even if they did, I doubt they would care. Of all the alcoholics & recovering addicts, the players & users, the victims & sinners (there were no saints that night), we didn’t have to sit in a circle & share stories to know we were all damaged in some way or another. Better we drink, be merry and forget our sorrows.

Miserable or not, we still move along and strive for that day where things are better. Even if we have to die alone later, for a short time, we can have each other’s company…

I dedicate this post to my not so close friend with cancer at 26. You see, as fucked up as my life can be, it cant be as bad as his. Every moment I spend being miserable, is only less moment I am happy. Stop the self pity & do away with the self loathing!

At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me
Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now
cos you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did I crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not.I. I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;
I've got all my life to live,
I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey hey.