If Gay Means Happy Why Am I So Sad?

Seriously, my life should be all a constant flow of all night long parties, sparkly clothes, experimental cocktails, living beyond my means, attention from beautiful strangers & of course random sex with men! I want more! More! More! More! More dammit. Every second should be an explosive rapture of enjoyment. My life should be one big orgasm!

BUT NO!

I have to work to make money, most of which goes to paying bills & buying things that I don’t want. For example, I don’t want a petrol, health insurance or dental floss. But yes, I do NEED all this stuff, which sucks because it leaves very little money for all the things that matter. I have to do boring things like paying bills online, changing the DVDs in the DVD player & moisturizing. Okay, rubbing lotion all over my body like masturbation is self-pleasuring but I would rather have someone else do it!

Where is this “self indulging rant” coming from?

There are two reasons, first I was told that I am only attracted to bad boys. Oh it is so fucking true. Sure I will sleep with anyone I find cute no matter how nice, sweet & delightful they may be, but that special attraction seems to be only reserved for assholes, jerks & self centered sonofbitches, which seem to be in short supply of late.

The second thing is today I had a unpleasant a phone conversation with this guy I unsuccessfully slept with.

Guy: This year has been good for me. So many men have wanted to date me, not just sleep with me…

AJ: Well, I wanted to sleep with you, but it didn’t happen did it? (here I am trying to divert the conversation to something more important and meaningsful than him, i.e. me)

Guy: That’s because every time you wanted to do it you were disgustingly slutty…

DISGUSTINGLY SLUTTY?

Excuse me! I am well poised & a model of self control! Compared to Carnie, I am a hermit monk meditating in the hills! No matter how many drinks I had, on the dance floor, I have always keep my shirt on & my lips only lick above the nipple line! My hands may go down other peoples pants but I always politely return the gesture! Sure I dry hump my best friends to the beats but doesn’t everybody?

Despite how much slutboy may disagree, my pants do not drop 5 inches below my underwear! It is never more than 4 inches, and that is only if I am wearing underwear! As far as molesting men go, I may grope ass & tweak nipples & but I never do any numbers on the one eyed monster. I also limit myself to fondling a meager maximum of 3 men at a time!

Disgustingly slutty indeed! HMPH! Its enough to make a boy/girl eat one and a quarter pizzas by him/herself. And I did. And now I am a sad/gay man. At least now I am certain of one asshole I won’t be sleeping with! Meanwhile, I am still searching for the jerk of my dreams to share my queen size bed, porno & alcohol with…

The point of this post is, no matter how sad I feel, I know I should never take life too seriously, because it is just life.

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

Snow Patrol ft Martha Wainwright ~ Set The Fire To The Third Bar