How To Be Dead
A tale from two cities, separated by the Straits of Johor & much much more, this is a conversation between another fantastic blogger Jups & my super self.
AJ: Yo, Jupies- BEWARE! The dark shroud of Valentines is almost upon us!
Jups: I'm gonna pretend I didn't read that.
AJ: Well yesterday I got 2 separate one of those stalker-esque SMSes which basically rambled on like "You don't know me, but how have you been doing…" I hate being in a situation where I have to play guessing games about people I never seen! People do get crazy desperate around this time of year. GAH!
Jups: I'm not even gonna dignify its existence this year. In fact, all this hoopla-ies is making me sickies.
AJ: Coolies! Lets do a Valentines' do's & don't's dialogue because we are so smart, spontaneous & unpretentious…It should be TOTALLY (yeah right) unpolished, unedited & unadulterated… *smirk*
Jups: hahahaa.. basically how not to feel like a lowlife loser... right? Hmm.. you go first!
AJ: Well the most obvious don't is not to incite the wrath of the bitch queen of everything- AJ. So DON'T be a desperate stalker type randomly SMSing/ contacting potential dates! Polite people just don't do that, and well, sluts should have enough guts to ask someone is interested to have sex straight up!
Jups: Don't go prowling in clubs where you have to compete with hookers in bikinis.
AJ: Oh! Oh! Oh! Avoid all mass media & annoying events this should include all Valentines' TV specials- even stupid documentaries like 'the love of chocolate' and radio stations trying to hook you up with strangers. Better to rent a good movie or watch a non-lovey-dovey TV series!
Jups: Have you seen Swarovski's flaming hearts? They look like pink vomit on fire.
AJ: That's not really a don't or a do, is it?
Jups: Hmmm.. Absolutely do not read romance-related articles like the ones that start with "50 ways to propose". If you're gonna eat ice cream, be dignified about it. Go to the ice cream parlor and order a nice sundae. Don't gulp down a tub while wearing sweats.
AJ: And when it comes to food you better be reasonable. Never forget, there is a life after Valentines! Moderation baby!
Jups: Wise words darling.
AJ: Over do the fried foods, fatty foods & sweet foods on the V day and you will have to pay by over doing the gym/diet for the rest of the year!
Jups: No lowering of standards. No accepting dates/propositions just because you want to be held.
AJ: But it's okay to have a nice dinner with several single & equally as stable/unstable friends.
Jups: Must do dinners. Must not overdo "fuck valentine's day" rants.. (look who's talking)
AJ: I think its okay to throw small hissy fits but nothing that involves liquids/fluids of any sort. Venting- good, erupting- bad…
Jups: Change your latest weakness's phone number to "dont call this number bitch" (wise words from a soul sister) and DONT CALL HIM
AJ: LOL… Yeah in line with that- Don't get too drunk and be oddly tempted to call him or any exs you may so happen to have a compulsion to confess your undying love to! Don't go drunkenly telling your friends you love them unless, like me, you do it all the time. Should we recommend some music? Hee hee hee…
Jups: lol good do not listen to All by Myself..ughhhhh
AJ: Avoid all breakup songs! My particular worst ever would be The Scientist by Coldplay! I once listened to that song for 4 days straight… I know a goat who still cringes at that thought hahaahaha.
Jups: oh my god yes! AVOID COLDPLAY, AVOID TEARS!
So single boys & girls, there you have it- follow these simple rules & you'll do just fine. And if bitterness still builds, repeat this fail-safe mantra- 'Its better to love myself than some premature-ejaculator'.
AJ: Yo, Jupies- BEWARE! The dark shroud of Valentines is almost upon us!
Jups: I'm gonna pretend I didn't read that.
AJ: Well yesterday I got 2 separate one of those stalker-esque SMSes which basically rambled on like "You don't know me, but how have you been doing…" I hate being in a situation where I have to play guessing games about people I never seen! People do get crazy desperate around this time of year. GAH!
Jups: I'm not even gonna dignify its existence this year. In fact, all this hoopla-ies is making me sickies.
AJ: Coolies! Lets do a Valentines' do's & don't's dialogue because we are so smart, spontaneous & unpretentious…It should be TOTALLY (yeah right) unpolished, unedited & unadulterated… *smirk*
Jups: hahahaa.. basically how not to feel like a lowlife loser... right? Hmm.. you go first!
AJ: Well the most obvious don't is not to incite the wrath of the bitch queen of everything- AJ. So DON'T be a desperate stalker type randomly SMSing/ contacting potential dates! Polite people just don't do that, and well, sluts should have enough guts to ask someone is interested to have sex straight up!
Jups: Don't go prowling in clubs where you have to compete with hookers in bikinis.
AJ: Oh! Oh! Oh! Avoid all mass media & annoying events this should include all Valentines' TV specials- even stupid documentaries like 'the love of chocolate' and radio stations trying to hook you up with strangers. Better to rent a good movie or watch a non-lovey-dovey TV series!
Jups: Have you seen Swarovski's flaming hearts? They look like pink vomit on fire.
AJ: That's not really a don't or a do, is it?
Jups: Hmmm.. Absolutely do not read romance-related articles like the ones that start with "50 ways to propose". If you're gonna eat ice cream, be dignified about it. Go to the ice cream parlor and order a nice sundae. Don't gulp down a tub while wearing sweats.
AJ: And when it comes to food you better be reasonable. Never forget, there is a life after Valentines! Moderation baby!
Jups: Wise words darling.
AJ: Over do the fried foods, fatty foods & sweet foods on the V day and you will have to pay by over doing the gym/diet for the rest of the year!
Jups: No lowering of standards. No accepting dates/propositions just because you want to be held.
AJ: But it's okay to have a nice dinner with several single & equally as stable/unstable friends.
Jups: Must do dinners. Must not overdo "fuck valentine's day" rants.. (look who's talking)
AJ: I think its okay to throw small hissy fits but nothing that involves liquids/fluids of any sort. Venting- good, erupting- bad…
Jups: Change your latest weakness's phone number to "dont call this number bitch" (wise words from a soul sister) and DONT CALL HIM
AJ: LOL… Yeah in line with that- Don't get too drunk and be oddly tempted to call him or any exs you may so happen to have a compulsion to confess your undying love to! Don't go drunkenly telling your friends you love them unless, like me, you do it all the time. Should we recommend some music? Hee hee hee…
Jups: lol good do not listen to All by Myself..ughhhhh
AJ: Avoid all breakup songs! My particular worst ever would be The Scientist by Coldplay! I once listened to that song for 4 days straight… I know a goat who still cringes at that thought hahaahaha.
Jups: oh my god yes! AVOID COLDPLAY, AVOID TEARS!
So single boys & girls, there you have it- follow these simple rules & you'll do just fine. And if bitterness still builds, repeat this fail-safe mantra- 'Its better to love myself than some premature-ejaculator'.
take me down
6 underground
the ground beneath your feet
laid out low
nothing to go
nowhere a way to meet.
I've got a head full of drought
down here, so far off
losing out, round here
over ground, watch this space
I'm open to falling from grace.
Sneaker Pimps Six Underground
Labels: AJ faces of with other bloggers, why the world sucks
posted by AJ @ 12:24 AM
4 Comments:
Great tips! But you could all go out and have fun together mah.
Hey. That's a funny post. All the things I had been planning to do for Valentine's are the things you said not to do. :P
I have suggested to Musang for all the single bloggurls to gather on VD and have dinner/bitchfest.
Why am I still single? *sobs* *turns on Celine's All by Myself*
paul you're not paying attention! "AJ: But it's okay to have a nice dinner with several single & equally as stable/unstable friends."
evan, I do have plans to go out, just not totally confirmed! Don't you dare turn on that song or I will make you sit thru The Scientist with me!
gasp! you COMPLETELY forgot the LAST item in the list i emailed you. tsk tsk. that was possibly the MOST important one :P
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