So What Are We Doing Wrong??

Too many of my friends, myself included seem to be having the same problem:- The Men Are Jerks Syndrome. Smart, capable & beautiful; we seem to be having problems finding Mr or Miss Right. Although we all have fabulous circles of friends & doting families, I've been presented the same problem of the Men Are Jerks Syndrome over & over again. And this horrible disease seems to be spreading faster than highschool gossip. It affects my friends & their friends from all the different stages of my life so far, even including the fabulous little boys.

Mostly at the 20 something age range, we are all having difficulty meeting and holding on to that special someone. Believe it or not, all that zest for partying & being social has been subdued by commitments to family, friends & work. Throw in a fitness regiment & there's barely time to shoe shopping, yet alone man-hunting. Sure some lucky b*tches like Wil (of Confetti in the Wind fame) has landed his fanciful sex-on-tap boyfriend, but for many of us, finding a decent-looking trustable man, with a heart of gold, who is on the same wavelength in damn near impossible.

No, we aren't choosy. Its not that we want a trophy-partner, a sugar daddy or even a guardian angel. We just want someone witty, presentable, trustable & thrusting, i.e a equal. Standards are important because blindly following your heart can lead to disaster. For the example, the guy I hate with a passion, F*ck Face The Fugly (Its not that he is fugly on the outside, its that inside he is a manupulative & calculative 2 bit cross-eyed whore). He used to change boyfriends almost monthly. Once he even got attached to a guy who he knew was already in a serious relationship. Like a bitch in heat he sniffs drama out & whines about it constantly. Unlike him, we don't need to add to the drama of our lives.

Even with our high standards, we try to help Mr or Ms Right get to us. We all have tried numerous ways of meeting people including going to places of religious worship, networking functions, gyms, weddings, parties, bars, lounges, & discos. But we only end up with jerks, or messy situations; or worst of all no response. Then there are speed dating, online chatrooms, dating profile sites, & blogs, which do work. But so far, just not for us.

Some of us have unadmitedly given up hope, & prepare ourselves for a companion-less future. Some are so scared of emotional scars, they panic & subconciously sabotage our own relationship. Although being indefinately single has its perks, we all could use some tenderness to help us sleep better. So what are we doing wrong?

As I sit here watching TV
The memories come seeping slowly
A swig of drink
A puff of smoke
And I wonder where all the smoke goes
You're so far far away...

Far far away from me...
As hold my guitar painfully
For no tune or melody comes to me
I fell down on my knees and prayed
Hoping someone hears me but,
On deaf ears falls my plea

The nails are slowly closing in,
And my soul captured within
Soon the flood and I are one
As I look outside a new day has begun

Untitled~ Written by a fellow victim of Men Are Jerks Syndrome

M'sian Urban Legends II : Nasi Kangkang

If the headless squid is your thing, you gonna love this one! But be warned, it is pretty offensive.
You see, some closed minded men are just scum. They lie about like the layer of muck at the bottom of the pool composed made up of pubic hair, poo poo & rotting debris. These men need to be thought how to behave and how to treat their women right.

All the ladies who hear me, throw your hands up at me!

So some wise old hags decided to put their culinary skills to good use and come up with a dish that never satisfies. It never satisfies but only makes cravings stronger. Its not that Nasi Kangkang is some miracle slimming product. Its not like Coke Lite, Pepsi Lite or H20H.

Nasi Kangkang roughly translates into "wide opened rice" a dish that is never served steaming hot. To make it, first steam your rice until nice soft and fluffy. Next proceed to pull your panties down & stand with your legs wide open right over the rice. With favourable air currents & lots of moisture, the steam will proceed to rise & evelope you delicate little muff.

It may sting, it may be pleasurable (I seriously wouldnt know because I dont have a whisker biscuit), but collect as much steam as you can with ur gollywog. This is as you want the steam to condense & drip down on the rice. This is the most crucial step to the dish. Peeing & pooing are not acceptable subsitutes.

Serve the dish to your victim, i mean man... no wait... I did mean victim... & he will obey your every wish. There is some technical mumbo jumbo about how once he has tasted your juices, he will want more... But I can't advocate this untruth, especially since I know many people who give head without any addictive side effects. A strong dose will make a man give up his fortune for you. Using a lesser dosage will just make a person (or people) crave your cooking....

Aren't you glad that NOW YOU KNOW how some restaurants are packed eventhough the overpriced crap they pass off as food tastes like dish water & they treat customers like goats?

Sorry fabulous little boys, I have never heard of any variations for men. But if I do, I'll be sure to have a party! And invite you all over!!

And oh by the way..

Nasi Kangkang goes best with Tampon Curry, another nasty rumour spread by jealous restaurant owners....

Nasi Lemak anyone?

How NOT To Go Around

I'm not a social butterfly. I'm not the man about town & I'm not the prom queen...

I do get around. I do know how to make new buddies & aquaintances. And I do know to win back long lost friends. I know how to be civilised.

I'm tolerant of things I don't understand and people who are different. I'm good to my parents & I'm kind to animals. I'm friendly to strangers & even helpful to people who are in need. I'm not religious but I do believe in God & the whole concept of Karma. I even donate to charity when I can spare the cash.

But stil...

I know how to have fun. I know how to kick off my shoes and feel the grass between my toes. I know how to enjoy chocolate & eat it without guilt. I know how to reach into God's herb garden and then take a walk on The Big Man's plane. I know what its like to camp under the stars and kiss my lover on the beach. I know the rush of reading a book on a park bench. I know how it feel like to shake my ass on the podium with a thousand pair of eyes staring. I know what its like to be the golden boy, the faithful lackey & the fly on the wall, but not all at once. I know to forgive those who wronged me and forget things that irk me. I know how to chug 3 Kampais & to a national flag dance in the middle of the disco.

I've learnt to avoid the needless drama & keep cool. I have deal with just as much crisis as most people, and maybe a bit more than some people. I know I can be a pain & I know how to let others be the pain. I know how to give & to take.

I don't know whats going to happen. I don't have all the answers even if I can guess. I don't live in a porn fantasy because my reality is not one dimensional. More than who I am, I'm bolder than my body, wiser than my soul & so much more than the sum of my emotions. Although confident, I really don't know how to feel when people put on a pair of polarized glasses & see me in monochrome. I don't care for sepia nostalgia, rose tinted bullsh*t or distracting high-gloss settings; or even blemish concealing matte finish. Today I looked in the mirror & didn't see sorrow in my eyes. I am content. No assh*le is going to take that away from this bitch.

No pimple, no man and no wussy statements can take that away from me. I've slowed down but that doesn't mean I not racing.

Don't explain yourself cause talk is cheap
There's more important things than hearing you speak
Madonna~ Sorry

Malaysia's Top Urban Legends

I was bitter for most of Valentine's Day. But lets not go there cos it was silly how upset I got, even though I told myself I its just a day, just an ordinary day... The drama queen in me couldnt handle all the pretty happy couples & bitched at gay boys... Sorry Wil, Goat & everyone else that got within my firing range.

Moving away from that, they were airing the movie "Urban Legends" on TV and it made me think of a few of the local urban legends I've been eager to post. Some are just weird, some scary & some plain gross.

Weird- Pontianak BerKancil Merah (Vampire in the red compact car)

About 10 years ago, the hot topic of conversation was about this Pontianak that drove a red Kancil.

For those who don't know, a Pontianak is sort of like a vampire. When a women dies at child birth, her spirit is so disturbed that she becomes blood thirsty and goes on a killing spree. Fortunately the simplest way to stop one in her tracks is to flash your boobs at her. As the pontianak is no longer "a real woman", she gets shy and runs away. People without boobs, just use fire. As for the Kancil *Shudder* its a locally made compact car which can be parked in away it that it looks like ther is an empty lot but there's not. In short, it annoys all other drivers.

So the story begins with a girl who keeping up with modern times, orders a white Kancil to better slut herself. Unfortunately she gets a red one and being overly dramatic about it she some how died a dramatic death. Within her enchanted car, she would appear beautiful but when she stepped out, she would look all maggoty & rotten. She proceeded to drive around Malaysia in her cute little Kancil at night, offering rides of terror to school kids. We used to get "unofficial reports" about her sightings. I always kept a look out for red Kancils but most of the drivers had maggoty complexions....


Scary- Shopping Frenzy

One of the most popular shopping complexes in Kuala Lumpur city is Sugei Wang (River of Money). It is built like a maze & is always packed. With narrow endless corridors & hidden walkways, it so confusing that I have never entered & left from the same entrance. But why do people go there? It has cheap clothes, handphones & dvds galore!

One day, the cousin of a friend goes shopping there with his girlfriend (isn't this how all urban legends start?). And as he turns the corner he realizes his babe is missing. His calmly asumes that she was just distracted by a pretty Hello Kitty Mini Skirt turns into a frantic search when he is unable to find her. One day later, when she does not make her way back home to her family, he lodges a police report, but to no avail.

After 1 week of frustrated searches & dead-end phone calls, he hires a private investigator to track the love of his life down. She is then reported to be in a stinky house in remote part of indonesia. With a gang of close friends, he breaks in to discover her drugged and locked up in a house with other women. Presumably used a sex slave, she can recognize him but is unable to communicate. Without must of a fight, the evil bastard that kidnap her allows her to go back to the safely of Beloved Malaysia. The rest of the details are sketchy, but isnt it freaky?


Gross- Headless Squid (Sotong)

Do you like seafood? I do, as do many others. But some lonely fishermen, oil rig workers & container ship workers apparently like squid in another way. It can get lonely out on in the sea without any women (or so we know from the many sailor-porn flicks). So when they get lonely, sea men will go out fishing for squid. Once they catch a lively squid, they will pull its head off & stick their Willies into it. As the squid is cold blooded, it will continue to pulsate & squirm, providing much needed relief. And once the deed is done, the fisherman will proceed to stick the head back on the squid & add it to the usual catch. This isnt too difficult as there is a load of natural glue inside. And that is why you shouldn't eat headless squids.

Wanna hear more? I know tons of stories like these.....

Just a day,
Just an ordinary day.
Just tryin to get by.
Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking towards the sky.
And as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize-
That everyday you find
Just what he's looking for,
A pulsating headless squid...

AJ feat Vanessa Carton~ Ordinary Day

Whores & More- Doing It For The Orphans

Old indulgences are hard to let go off. With the sex sabbatical in full swing for 44 days, I can safely say the next guy I get in bed with better be ready for some all night lasting, all crevasses exposed & all good mind blowing lovin’. There is some ironic pleasure in knowing that even though being good is bad, when I start getting good at being bad, being bad will be great! So being good isnt so bad after all...

More than old indulgences, letting go of keepsakes is even harder to do. I did some cleaning yesterday and well, I dare say I have accumulated enough junk to set up my own booth at local flea market. The little sign would be made out of beads & seashells collected for no particular reason & read “Whores & More”. Yeap. Whores & More will be a charitable organization offering various unsavory items for unsavory customers. It will feature

My very old pre-internet stash of straight porn. My sister found these discs, which I promptly popped into the trash because I don’t need them. Although I spent some *ahem* good times with these items, I hold no attachment to them but they might be a little er… worn.

Various lab apparatus borrowed from my old Uni. Back then I felt my fees were high enough to justify one, two, or 30+ glass wear souvenirs. Even Barbie dolls don’t come with such adorable & functional miniature beakers, test tubes etc. Sure some maybe contaminated with carcinogenic chemicals that could change you into a brain sucking lizard person, but they are so cuuuuuuuuute! All aspiring scientists, especially mad ones must have own their own mini-me beakers!

Random trinkets including ash trays, tea light holders, incense burners, stone sculptures, porcelain animals, novelty mugs, sea shells, stuffed animals & small flower pots. There are even glass fruits. I’m not sure how I amassed so many. There are boxes full of these things from my college/uni days.

Enough old CDs & Cassettes to fill all the pot holes in KL City–Anybody wanna re-learn the Macarena? No? Lets chill to Grammy Nominees 1999! Or bang our heads to Metallica! If you feel club-frisky, I even have 6 versions of Horny on one CD!!

I have no space or time for so many keepsakes. Many of them were bought on impulse. I need space for new memories & pretty things.

Get your very own set of Androjane unlimited colectables. Interested to buy the above items? If you are, they will be featured in some orphanage charity sooner or later, most probably not under the sign Whores & More, because I’ll be busy finding my Prince Charming.

To all potential Mr Rights, those with excess baggage need not apply. I’ve just done clearing my sh*t and don’t wanna deal with yours. But we can always go buy new junk together!

Standin' in the rain
Twisted and insane
We, are, holdin' onto nothing
Feelin' every breath
Holdin' no regrets
We're, still, lookin' out for something
Find me & then lets go shopping!

Agnelli & Nelson ~ Holding On To Nothing Feat AJ

AJ & The Unsuspecting Gamers

After the long break, life has been dull. So to make things bearable, I have been playing games. Everytime I play, I'm most certainly guaranteed to win 'cause my unwilling opponents don't even know they are playing! This is how the game goes.

1. I choose a Little Britain character in the morning & select a hilarious line.

2. Wait for the perfect opportunity & spring it on some unsuspecting contender (or rather victim).

3. If they relize that something is wrong, they win. If not I proceed to torment others.

So far I had great success!

"Yeah but no but yeah but no..." was used on Monday via office chat when a workmate wanted something from me which I promised her from my hometown but didnt bring to work. Considering the amount of crap I have had to take from her, she deserved the confusion.

"Whatever Prime Minister!" was sent via sms to a friend on Tuesday when said she was too busy to sms chat with me! Tha audacity! Truly, Whatever Prime Minister *Flips fringe in disgust*

"Computer says Nooo...." replied to my mum on Wednesday when she asked me if I enjoyed dinner the night before. A bit of a hollow victory but a win none the less!

"I want that one!" was sneeked in on Thursday at Burger King whiles telling the Goat that I wanted the grilled goat burger. I told him about my evil scheme after that & in case you're wondering, I couldnt taste the goat in the burger. But as I had the Real McCoy with me, I mutt'n complain.

The line for today is "dust.. anyone? no? dust? anyone? no? dust?" and it must be done to a unsuspecting group. Wish me luck as this one is tricky!

And don't worry, most people find me weird anyway.

Sudah maafkan aku, segala salahku,
Dan bila kau tetap bisu,
Ungkapkan salahmu,
Dan aku sifatku, dan aku khilafku,
Dan aku cintaku, dan aku rinduku...

Peter Pan ~ Ada Apa Denganmu

All my wrongs have been forgiven,
And when you stay silent,
Say its your fault,
And my actions, and my wrong doings,
And I love me, and I miss me...

Peter Pan ~ What's Wrong With You

Kiki gets a chance to go on holiday!

Remember Mimi, the temp with that left half an orange to stink up the office? Friday, September 23, 2005 (will someone show me how to add links to old posts?)

Well since Mimi left, Kiki, the official graphic designer has been under a lot of stress lately & she isnt too pleased. 2 days ago I left late & needed to turn of the aircon. I searched for the remote tossing files & papers in my way. I would have hit the swith on the switch box but it is well hidden behind the same huge cabinet that hid Mimi's half orange. Up down everywhere but no sign of the damn thing. I wanted to head home but thanks to the new ruling, the boss will call back anyone at anytime to turn off any equipment left on. I was not about to come back to the office at some forsaken hour to turn off anything. (Tho coming back to the office to turn on someone isnt beyond me)

So I did what the friendly aircon repair guy told me to do & risked life & limb. I kicked off my shoes & climbed up on a shaky chair to press the hidden On-Off button. Don't laugh! I could have broken a nail!

The next morning the conversation was like this,
Androjane~ Hey, the aircon remote control missing la! Did someone take it?

Kiki~ What you meaning ah? Aircon still there what!

Androjane~ You know the Lemote....

Kiki~ Hi-Hi-Hi... The Lemote issit? Aiyoo... Solly ah Boss... Yesterday photoshoot so I put it in the hand bag. Forgot to take out la... Hi hi hi... Lucky Uncle Didi told you how to turn it off rite...Hor? Hor?

Androjane~ I'd like to send you to some lemote rocation... mumble mumble....Hand bag indeed.

Kiki~ What you meaning?

Androjane~ Nevermind, no minging at all...

As blogger swallowed my previous post about 4 out of 5 exs in the club, I'd like to send it to a lemote rocation with only kiki to service it.... Mumble mumble....

I can be so selfish, especially when single, it is really important to look out for number 1. And that is why this Chinese New Year was an uneventful one. At every opportunity to correct some dumbass remark, I shut my mouth and gave a polite "Yeah, isntit?" & let them continue their idiotical misguided chatter. This perservation has to do with the auspicious Chinese custom of giving angpao, better known as hongpao, the red packets filled with cash. Sure I can make a living by convincing others of the powers of magic beans, i.e. health supplements, but a lil extra never money hurt anyone. See, I'm selfish...

Of all the usual questions, one was sorely missing. So where's your girlfriend? Either they found my secret stash of porn in the attic or my evasive plans to be nominated most anti-social succeeded. Rightfully so! I am after all, the only gay in the village! (Wee Shiong, the freaky dude that approached me in the clubs, ex-f*ckbuddy & my God-sister's best friend don't count because I like cock more!) Then again I was busy watching Little Britain (google it why don't ya), Charmed & anything else on the telly.

But steering away from that, I realize what really amazes me is the amount of superstisions chinese really have. Some are so sick & twisted in nature that I believe they were thought up as ways of self punishing future generations for enjoying progress & all things modern. Those that come to mind are:-

1. As dogs dragons are mortal enemies, this year will not be good for those born in the year of the dragon. But really, when was the last time you saw a bunch of bitches opening a Can Of Whoopass on a dragon? Have you ever seen cartoons, temples or sacred manuscripts with a dragon chomping down on a chihuahua? Truly the dragon babies, which by the way are turning 30 this year have better things to worry about, like moisturising...

2. Its good luck to pull the tail of the lion during the lion dance. As a little boy, my cousins & I used to pull the tail of the dragon so much that it fell off! There were 20 odd cousins & with all that pulling, something was bound to give.

Pull my tail will ya?

3. During the new year you aren't suppose to use brooms or mops cos you'll sweep away all your luck. So what happens when intoxicated from a long night of drinking, you puke all over the floor & the washing machine? I suppose vacuums are ok.. (Happened to a friend, I haven't puked since 2002)

4. You must not wash your hair for the 15 days of the new year. This one was most probably thought up to conserve soap. We can be so cheap at times, eg. the half drunk cups of beer can be topped up with fresh booze & served to guests the next night when they are too drunk to tell the difference. Very common at karaoke bars.

Sometimes we can form our own superstitions based on personal experiences. My cousin, in a drunk-stoned stupor informed me of how he managed an unbelievable 4 day winning streak at gambling. To invoke the power of the dog, he brushed his dogs & petted them alot every morning without washing his hands. Somehow the dodgy-doggy smell helped him rake in a fortune. Good for him, bad for people who he touched. Eeeew, I don't care how superstitious he is. I just wish he told me about his secret before he passed the joint...