Phantoms & Anthems
I really suck at karaoke because I hate the sound of my voice on the microphone. But, I still go singing with the boys simply because with all the sad songs, angry longs & fun songs, alcohol & camaraderie, its like a fucking group therapy session, without the tears.
It was ex no 4’s birthday session but ex no 5, Ruggy, the one I still loathe was there. Truly I always try to avoid contact with no. 5 but no. 4 still means too much to me not to be there. English speaking gay men travel in small circles here in Malaysia but I wasn’t about to let that stop me.
I drove down into the city alone & I had to be careful because I didn’t have Teks nor Carnie as my safety net. You’d think I’d be used to being alone now but very often I’d have a friend by my side. No big (deal), we were all born into this world alone & that’s how we will leave it. Traveling down this road alone, watching the signs as I go does help me clear my head of all the accumulated rubbish.
I didn’t know that many of the boys, less than half even, but that it didn’t matter that much. I wasn’t feeling super social/slutty anyways. I just needed my drink & attacked the Jack Daniels with much gusto.
Between the disco lights (yes, the room had its own disco lights thingy) and booze, I was buzzing. Maybe I’ve been too busy fighting my demons lately but I hated the world today.
The thing is, on this earth, there are the good guys & the bad guys. The good guys genuinely care & take the effort to be nice. The bad guys are fuckers and don’t care whose they destroy, as long as they get what they want. The fuckers I knew that night (Ruggy included) were undeservingly blessed with good looks & the nice guys just not that physically attractive.
Its fine it the world favors the bold. But fucking hell, why does it favor the beautiful as well? I mean, I do get my perks from people who think I am attractive, but regardless I am never a bitch to people who don’t deserve it. If there was any fairness on this planet, nice guys wouldn’t have to finish last, lonely & unsatisfied. Equally as guilty of fucked up behavior are all those people who only love being taken in (and spitted out) by members of the asshole club. I see it happening all the time! I felt so pissed as I sat there that I wanted to find a knife and slit my pretty wrist so I would not have to be part of this sordid existence.
But rather, I shifted my focus & chatted with one of the nice guys. I’m so sure he is as lonely, if not lonelier than me. Regardless of the pile of shit festering on his back, he has never let it bring him down. Well, not that I’ve seen. With his cheery disposition & outgoing personality, his smile always lights up my mood.
Why don’t I date him?
Two things. Firstly the attraction isn’t strong enough. Secondly, I’m (pretty certain I’m) a cold damaged bitch incapable of having a fulfilling relationship without driving the other party insane. There I said it. The reason why I can’t connect emotionally anymore.
I don’t blame Ruggy, like any arrangement, he had every right to leave. Its just that how he intentionally said countless hurtful things to hurt me, still hurts me. I can’t even talk about all of them because they still fucking hurt. Never has anyone so callously and intentionally crushed my heart into a million pieces. Until now I’m trying to unbreak my heart & be less damaged.
If I had to talk to him, say if he came up to me like he tried to the last time, there were many less than spontaneous but choice phrases in my head, like “I’ve nothing nice to say to you, you son of a fat ass bitch”, “Say another fucking word and I’ll push you to the floor & pound you to a pulp, fucktard” and “Even if you weren’t getting fucking fatter or fucking balder, I still find it impossible to look at you without wanting to punch your fucking living day lights out”.
The phrase that kept on replay though was “You still owe me 20 fucking bucks you cheap ass shit head, and, since we both know you’re not fucking going to pay me back, lets consider it a get the fuck out of my face fee”.
But he didn’t try to talk so I played nicely with all the other boys & girls. As he told me as we broke up, ‘I would never stop hating him until I got re-attached’. And since I am happily (but unstably) single, I can hate him all I want. Even if Teks thinks I should let it go, I think that I shouldn’t have to be anything other than what I am trying to be.
Towards the end, ex no. 4 passed out & I lent him my lap. He too has caused me much heartache but I’ve forgiven him unconditionally simply because it was never his lucid intent & I’ve unintentionally hurt him many times too. There is still a part of me that whispered “I still love you” as he lay drunk on my thigh with his hand tightly clenching mine. As emotionally unavailable as I am, I can’t help missing that loving feeling, as especially with all the people making out around me.
I doubt the people around me could tell how I really felt that night. I had my gay diva face well super-glued on. Even if they did, I doubt they would care. Of all the alcoholics & recovering addicts, the players & users, the victims & sinners (there were no saints that night), we didn’t have to sit in a circle & share stories to know we were all damaged in some way or another. Better we drink, be merry and forget our sorrows.
Miserable or not, we still move along and strive for that day where things are better. Even if we have to die alone later, for a short time, we can have each other’s company…
I dedicate this post to my not so close friend with cancer at 26. You see, as fucked up as my life can be, it cant be as bad as his. Every moment I spend being miserable, is only less moment I am happy. Stop the self pity & do away with the self loathing!
It was ex no 4’s birthday session but ex no 5, Ruggy, the one I still loathe was there. Truly I always try to avoid contact with no. 5 but no. 4 still means too much to me not to be there. English speaking gay men travel in small circles here in Malaysia but I wasn’t about to let that stop me.
I drove down into the city alone & I had to be careful because I didn’t have Teks nor Carnie as my safety net. You’d think I’d be used to being alone now but very often I’d have a friend by my side. No big (deal), we were all born into this world alone & that’s how we will leave it. Traveling down this road alone, watching the signs as I go does help me clear my head of all the accumulated rubbish.
I didn’t know that many of the boys, less than half even, but that it didn’t matter that much. I wasn’t feeling super social/slutty anyways. I just needed my drink & attacked the Jack Daniels with much gusto.
Between the disco lights (yes, the room had its own disco lights thingy) and booze, I was buzzing. Maybe I’ve been too busy fighting my demons lately but I hated the world today.
The thing is, on this earth, there are the good guys & the bad guys. The good guys genuinely care & take the effort to be nice. The bad guys are fuckers and don’t care whose they destroy, as long as they get what they want. The fuckers I knew that night (Ruggy included) were undeservingly blessed with good looks & the nice guys just not that physically attractive.
Its fine it the world favors the bold. But fucking hell, why does it favor the beautiful as well? I mean, I do get my perks from people who think I am attractive, but regardless I am never a bitch to people who don’t deserve it. If there was any fairness on this planet, nice guys wouldn’t have to finish last, lonely & unsatisfied. Equally as guilty of fucked up behavior are all those people who only love being taken in (and spitted out) by members of the asshole club. I see it happening all the time! I felt so pissed as I sat there that I wanted to find a knife and slit my pretty wrist so I would not have to be part of this sordid existence.
But rather, I shifted my focus & chatted with one of the nice guys. I’m so sure he is as lonely, if not lonelier than me. Regardless of the pile of shit festering on his back, he has never let it bring him down. Well, not that I’ve seen. With his cheery disposition & outgoing personality, his smile always lights up my mood.
Why don’t I date him?
Two things. Firstly the attraction isn’t strong enough. Secondly, I’m (pretty certain I’m) a cold damaged bitch incapable of having a fulfilling relationship without driving the other party insane. There I said it. The reason why I can’t connect emotionally anymore.
I don’t blame Ruggy, like any arrangement, he had every right to leave. Its just that how he intentionally said countless hurtful things to hurt me, still hurts me. I can’t even talk about all of them because they still fucking hurt. Never has anyone so callously and intentionally crushed my heart into a million pieces. Until now I’m trying to unbreak my heart & be less damaged.
If I had to talk to him, say if he came up to me like he tried to the last time, there were many less than spontaneous but choice phrases in my head, like “I’ve nothing nice to say to you, you son of a fat ass bitch”, “Say another fucking word and I’ll push you to the floor & pound you to a pulp, fucktard” and “Even if you weren’t getting fucking fatter or fucking balder, I still find it impossible to look at you without wanting to punch your fucking living day lights out”.
The phrase that kept on replay though was “You still owe me 20 fucking bucks you cheap ass shit head, and, since we both know you’re not fucking going to pay me back, lets consider it a get the fuck out of my face fee”.
But he didn’t try to talk so I played nicely with all the other boys & girls. As he told me as we broke up, ‘I would never stop hating him until I got re-attached’. And since I am happily (but unstably) single, I can hate him all I want. Even if Teks thinks I should let it go, I think that I shouldn’t have to be anything other than what I am trying to be.
Towards the end, ex no. 4 passed out & I lent him my lap. He too has caused me much heartache but I’ve forgiven him unconditionally simply because it was never his lucid intent & I’ve unintentionally hurt him many times too. There is still a part of me that whispered “I still love you” as he lay drunk on my thigh with his hand tightly clenching mine. As emotionally unavailable as I am, I can’t help missing that loving feeling, as especially with all the people making out around me.
I doubt the people around me could tell how I really felt that night. I had my gay diva face well super-glued on. Even if they did, I doubt they would care. Of all the alcoholics & recovering addicts, the players & users, the victims & sinners (there were no saints that night), we didn’t have to sit in a circle & share stories to know we were all damaged in some way or another. Better we drink, be merry and forget our sorrows.
Miserable or not, we still move along and strive for that day where things are better. Even if we have to die alone later, for a short time, we can have each other’s company…
I dedicate this post to my not so close friend with cancer at 26. You see, as fucked up as my life can be, it cant be as bad as his. Every moment I spend being miserable, is only less moment I am happy. Stop the self pity & do away with the self loathing!
At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me
Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now
cos you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did I crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not.I. I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;
I've got all my life to live,
I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey hey.
Labels: angst, karaoke, why the world sucks
posted by AJ @ 5:19 AM
7 Comments:
Men are prickly in general. Beautiful men obviously are more prone to be fucktards than not. But hey, don't let that stop chu from creating drama with 'em boys. Hang in there, sayang while ravaging 'em.
English speaking gay men hang out in small groups. You are so right!
i wanna be a part of that group. where do i sigh up? lol
y is it that loneliness is always the central theme of gay men? i think its a sad reality. thank god for friends. i hope u find back ur heart aj and happiness too.
there is always someone out there we can share a live with, all it takes is to give and take
aww.. the post is soo emotional eh..
ed darling i try everyday! *flips hair*
paul, sometimes so so small, you have no idea
k, you better becareful what you wish for! lol...
kitjar, i'm sure there is someone out there, just im not willing to compromise in any way.
famez, it is, isn't it? heh.. gay men.. such cliches, all the time
hey..
i use to think that nice guys finish last...well reading this post definately changed my mind...or gave me something to think about...
it was a gr8 read throughout..
and yes english speaking gay men travel in small circles...
-marc-
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