Typical Male Bonding (With A Whale)

It's my father’s 60th birthday. And despite any hostility between us, I went home to my little town like any good son would. I was on my best behavior but his friends weren’t. Oh by the way, in the spirit of male bonding, I’m garnishing this post with football players. Simply because these is nothing more macho than football!

Like most Chinese families, on Saturday there was the big 8 table dinner with 20 members of family and 60 of his ‘closest’ friends. Oh yes, and lots and lots of whiskey & wine.

Of particular interest was my dad’s alcoholically-jovial friend, Tommy The Two Ton Whale. Like the name suggests, he has enough bubbler to feed an Eskimo village. He also enjoys male bonding when drunk. And why shouldn’t he? A virile man of 64 (age & waist), he has the eloquence of a Thai prostitute & the complexion of an oily frying pan. And his breath plain stinks.

My aunt commented, “Who is that character? Oh my! Isn’t he a boisterous one? I can hear him from across the room!”

AJ remarked, “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet, he hasn’t even started kissing the boys…”

True enough, half an hour later, or rather 2 bottles of whiskey later, he was going from table to table declaring his love for all the good ol boys. I use the term ‘boys’ in the most loosest of context as most of the mean age of the men in the room was 50. One by one wrinkly & pudgy old men were molested & presented with suspiciously dainty kisses on their cheeks.

Ironically the night before the big dinner I was doing the exact same thing. At the club I was going from man to man, kissing my ‘how do you dos’. So what makes me better than Tommy The Whale? For one, the men I kissed were way much younger & sexier. For another, I’m fabulously gorgeous! That and I’m pretty good as sucking cock & enjoy it.

Reasoning aside, he began to flounder closer & closer to my table…

*Gasp*
I needed a good escape plan to avoid the blubbery kiss of death!

Should I breakout in a Britney Spears song and dance routine, thus declaring myself as a unkissable fag? Straight men don’t like kissing gay men, don’t they? Oh wait he likes kissing all men, regardless. Besides, there isn’t enough space to do a full split.

Should I stand up and pre-emptively splash my drink in his face? As much as I would enjoy the drama, I could be accused of being gay for rejecting his ‘perfectly normal heterosexual behavior’!

*Noooo!* He’s left a cankerous greasy mark on my uncle’s cheek! Better wash it with acid!

Sh*t! He has blocked my escape route! I bet he can smell my fear! Unlike his victims, I actually enjoy kissing men on a regular basis & want it to stay that way! I can foresee no amount of counseling, electroshock therapy or psychoactive drugs helping me regain my sexual identity!

*Whimper*
How about smearing my face with pork grease & chili? GET IT TOGETHER AJ! If you want to survive you need to think smart. Food would only excite him even more & might even entice him to lick your face.

*Moooomeee!*
That’s it! If I want to get out of this unharmed, there have to be casualties, even if they are family! Scheme.. Scheme… Scheme…

“Yo! Cuz, come over here a sec! I wanna tell ya something!”

My cousin moves from across the hall…

“Isn’t this fish bladder, sea cucumber & unidentifiably-funky-grey-meat soup delicious? Have some more aunty!”

*Spash*

“Hoooooot!!! My dress!”

“Sorry let me get you a cloth!”

“Ahhh young man, how come you never say hi to your uncle Tommy The Two Ton Whale?”

“Don’t you remember my cousin? We once launch fire crackers into your house when we were young. Now I got to go get that cloth for my aunt…”

Don’t worry, my cousin’s straight. He’ll get over it. It is after all typical male bonding.

Why must the children play in the streets,
broken hearts and faded dreams,
peace and love to everyone that you meet,
don't you worry, it could be so sweet,
Just look to the rainbow, you will see
the sun will shine till eternity,
I've got so much love in my heart,
No-one can tear it apart,
Yeah,

Feel the love generation,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Feel the love generation,
C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon yeah

Love Generation ~ Bob Sinclar Ft Gary Pine