Something too close for comfort
Of late, I have been disturbed. Disturbed not only by things in the real world (altho they are pretty disturbing) but those found on blogs. In particular Kitjar & his flow of coments. Not that I hate him or how he coments, but plainly, its the feelings & memories that they bring to mind.
Terms like "a good gay guy is hard to find.." feels really discrimanatory to me. Dammit! "a good guy is hard to find.." would have been really enuf!
Terms like "a good gay guy is hard to find.." feels really discrimanatory to me. Dammit! "a good guy is hard to find.." would have been really enuf!
In society today, we seem to love labels. And I'm not talking about the Wingedman & his Pandora's Box of goodies! Rather pigeon hole-ing people seems like a pass time, a hobby & a trend that we all either have to follow OR be left behind. To be judge & jury & executioner seems to come all to easy....
But really, its all ok. To change with the times or be left behind, its really a personal choice. Straight or gay, really it is a life changing event, not a choice. The thing I'm trying to talk about here, the story I'm trying to tell, is rather a personal one. Its about my own coming out & how I was introduced to the world of man on man sex.
But really, its all ok. To change with the times or be left behind, its really a personal choice. Straight or gay, really it is a life changing event, not a choice. The thing I'm trying to talk about here, the story I'm trying to tell, is rather a personal one. Its about my own coming out & how I was introduced to the world of man on man sex.
*Sigh*
Its not easy remembering these things...
To keep it short and simple. My first lover, was my first boyfriend, was my best friend. I still remember that it was the Merdeka of '99 & I was still in college. Yes, a time of exploration & self discovery. I had just broken up with my "girlfriend" of which I went out with for 3 weeks & were officially togather for 3 days, but realized it really wasn't meant to be. The term "indifferent" comes to mind. So does lying skank bitch. But I'm diverting again. At risk of sounding like a bad porn story, here I go...
My best friend at the time came down to visit me in my town as he stayed only about 1 hour away & neither of us had holiday plans. We were talking as we were lying on the bed... Talking about friends, about holidays, about plans etc.... By then I had already fallen for him. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved his company. I loved the things i didnt understand about him.
But to approach the situation, to risk outing myself, to the wrong person, was scary. All the 'what if"s in my mind! Not only would I lose my best friend, I knew my college days would never be the same again.
Regardless. And I do mean regardless, I dived right in & it made for a pretty hot first encounter.... Steamy sex aside, never have I ever felt so understood, so accepted, so NOT alone as in the momment... It almost felt like I was normal. Yes, ALMOST normal, just like all the other people. Dare I say it?
Accepted.
But things didn't work out. I was young & dumb, hadn't even turned 21... Sorry A, you were a much better partner to me than I ever gave you credit for. Thanks for helping me out of the damn closet.
Fast forward a few years later & here I am, sexy hunky bollywood boyfriend, smart sassy goat friend, uber egotistical drama queen (yes YOU, duff) & a whole host of other people I have come to love & accept for who they are. Never again will I go back into the closet, its too dark in there. I hate the dark & I'll continue to live my life the way I want to.
Kitjar is in a really sticky situation. But I have been there before, which gay boy hasn't? What I'm trying to say, despite my charming good looks, karmic good luck & fantabulous friends, I've been you, I've been used, I've been on the evening news.... And to this day, I stil find it hard to deal with my sexuality.
To keep it short and simple. My first lover, was my first boyfriend, was my best friend. I still remember that it was the Merdeka of '99 & I was still in college. Yes, a time of exploration & self discovery. I had just broken up with my "girlfriend" of which I went out with for 3 weeks & were officially togather for 3 days, but realized it really wasn't meant to be. The term "indifferent" comes to mind. So does lying skank bitch. But I'm diverting again. At risk of sounding like a bad porn story, here I go...
My best friend at the time came down to visit me in my town as he stayed only about 1 hour away & neither of us had holiday plans. We were talking as we were lying on the bed... Talking about friends, about holidays, about plans etc.... By then I had already fallen for him. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved his company. I loved the things i didnt understand about him.
But to approach the situation, to risk outing myself, to the wrong person, was scary. All the 'what if"s in my mind! Not only would I lose my best friend, I knew my college days would never be the same again.
Regardless. And I do mean regardless, I dived right in & it made for a pretty hot first encounter.... Steamy sex aside, never have I ever felt so understood, so accepted, so NOT alone as in the momment... It almost felt like I was normal. Yes, ALMOST normal, just like all the other people. Dare I say it?
Accepted.
But things didn't work out. I was young & dumb, hadn't even turned 21... Sorry A, you were a much better partner to me than I ever gave you credit for. Thanks for helping me out of the damn closet.
Fast forward a few years later & here I am, sexy hunky bollywood boyfriend, smart sassy goat friend, uber egotistical drama queen (yes YOU, duff) & a whole host of other people I have come to love & accept for who they are. Never again will I go back into the closet, its too dark in there. I hate the dark & I'll continue to live my life the way I want to.
Kitjar is in a really sticky situation. But I have been there before, which gay boy hasn't? What I'm trying to say, despite my charming good looks, karmic good luck & fantabulous friends, I've been you, I've been used, I've been on the evening news.... And to this day, I stil find it hard to deal with my sexuality.
Well good morning, good evening or good afternoon
Wherever you are and whatever you do
A lot of things happening in the world today
Most of them far beyond our control you might say
Perhaps its time we took a pause
And thought about life
And thought about the laws of gravity
And sexuality and humanity
Don't touch that dial
Just try and hear me out for a while
You
I broke you
It's not true
I've been you
I've been on the evening
You
I broke you
It's not true
That I've been used
I've been on the evening news
You've been way too hard
Now I'm a mess
I think we only need one channel less
Could you turn me up please?
Could you turn me up?
That's right
You've been way too hard
Now I'm a mess
I think we only need one channel less
You've been way too hard
Now I'm a mess
I think we only need
I think we only
Break prime time with surprise and lies
You're signed and sealed
With what you see with anybody else's eyes
You're talking the talk
But you ain't walking the walk man
One mike, one camera
And you become an educator
Can I trust you with my own
Give me time to believe
Those with too much power they fall down in history
Yea you might have us hanging onto your every breath
So be responsible
Learn to preserve, protect and respect
Not to destroy
Not to deplore
The angles of truth are so much harder to explore
And living your life is about waiting for the next test
So live for the moment
Cos it never turns out like you expect
Jason Lo~ Evening News
Goat Dammit~ I hate exposing my emo self! Let this be the last of the emo posts!
posted by AJ @ 9:58 AM
9 Comments:
yeah, we all hv a story or two on that.
Am glad i have friends that i can talk cock with..... i mean literary.
No way i can go back to the dungeon days.
Yo Fren,
Why can't you write about other stuff but me..... I'm such a NOBODY..... geez...
Yes, I have issues to deal with. But, it is not as straightforward as you think....
I guess, all I need now is more friends to talk cock with, ha ha hee hee .... NOTHING MORE THAN THAT......
On the bright side, being in a difficult situation makes your life more interesting in a good way. really. :-) But there are too many unwanted thingies where they shouldn't necessarily exist. Don't let them eat you alive! Be happy as much as you can! (oh, that sounds like a Clinique ad) Muwah!
((((HHUUGGSS)))
love u AJ! always!
i am so happy for u.
and, i remember "indifferent". i don't know if i've told u this, but she doesn't understand that word. really. literally.
Hey, AJ, what happened to your ex? Still available? :)
Paul
Kudos for sharing, AJ! Most, if not all of us had to go through some sort of soul searching to be where we are today. And it's never been straightforward for anyone (after all, we're bent.. hehe)
wjee: Not even back to the dungeon to create some s&m fantasy? I know you are a bad boy...
kitjar: This is my blog & I RULE SUPREME! I'm just sighting you as an example of the confusion that we all encounter as we pop out of the closet. Popped your cherry yet?
shigeki: You are the best *HUGS*
1d: Hee... Hee.. Hee... Yeap I remember her being so pissed about not knowing what Indifferent means, yet she couldnt be bothered to pick up a dictionary! Its not a bad word.. really!
Savante: I'm not sure what happened to him, off to england most prolly? 1d may have a better idea.
kw:come bac to the motherland & you can sit in on one of our cock teasing sessions.. Giggle
weeshiong:thanks, i wanted to get it out of my system & its nice to know i'm understood...
Hey AJ. Thanks for sharing, seeing how you don't do it often.
It was really lucky of you that your first boyfriend was your best friend.
How cool is that! Someone who totally understands and knows you.
Sigh...too bad the drama queen leaves our shores tmw.
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