Emotional Face Off (I’m Not Crazy)

If you think that AJ is just a whole bunch of sluttiness coated with sluttiness & deep friend in sluttiness, you aren’t entirely right. I work very hard at being less emotional each & every day. *Brushes crocodile tear from eye* This is really the beginning to a really long/ moody meme. It really is very long. If you want to know the musical bits that go with every confession, just click & highlight the spaces between. There is lots of really good music.

I am thinking about ...
All the boys I like & all the boys I’ve loved before. I don’t know if I can be sane, stable & mature enough to be a good lover.

I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
But when I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself
Switchfoot~ Stars

I said ...
"I’m fine. I’m happy. You be good." But really I’m not feeling great. I’m fucking lonely. And I want to be better. But moments like these always come & go, so why not just ignore them?

Well it's a lie, it's a lie-don't you believe it
If you're fine, then you're fine-it's all how you see it
Oh, there will never be no conspiracy of happiness
Duncan Sheik~ On A High

I want to ...
be able to fall in love without any hesitations or any reservations. I want to love someone for who they are and not what they represent.

if your searching for truth
you must look in the mirror
and make sense of what you can see
Tiesto~ Just Be

I wish ...
to be happy. Finances, commitments, responsibilities & emotions are always looming around the corner. Fuck’em for now. I dare say I’m fairly content living my life the way I want to.

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want
Nelly Furtado~ Powerless

I miss ...
my home. I’m homesick for my house, everybody/ everything about it. From the giant hibiscus my sister planted to the smirk my grouchy grandfather used to give me after taking him out for a plate of char kuey teow (fried flat rice noodles). But as everybody/ everything changes, my real home really only exists in my memories.

And the violence caused such silence,
Who are we mistaken?
But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
Cranberries~ Zombie

I hear ...
a lot of negativity, judgment, criticism, & plain stupidity. But who really wants to listen to that. I rather offer/ be offered hope, acceptance, encouragement and lots of good music.

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
My personality reflects me
Sugarbabes~ Ugly

I wonder ...
where I’ll be this time next year. Will I living it up? Will I be happy at work? Will I find someone who complements me? Will I be happy with physical/ emotional myself? Then there is the serious issues, like how many more hot men would I have slept with?

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
Alanis Morissette~ That I would be good

I regret ...
wasted chances & unexplored opportunities. There are some things that I could have done better, but for now I’ve got to look forward.

Out on the road todayI saw a "Dead Head" sticker on a Cadillac

A little voice inside my head said

"don't look back, you can never look back."

I thought I knew what love was

what did I know?

Those days are gone forever

I should just let them go

But...

DJ Sammy~ Boys Of Summer

I am ...
emotionally here and there. Never in one place, never in one state of mind. Always searching for the sublime. But it does help to know I’m doing something about it.

I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
Alanis Morissette~ Hand In My Pocket

I dance ...
like I’m performing for an audience of 100 or so of my favorite sluts. It doesn’t matter what music is playing, I shake my booty & strut my stuff like I don’t care. Mostly because I’m too drunk to care. I’m always drunk when I dance.

We drift deeper
Life goes on
We drift deeper
Into sound
Motorcycle~ As the rush comes

I sing ...
like a fingernails on a chalkboard. But I do so my own little world, when I’m working, driving & especially when nobody is listening.

But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
For the love you bring won't mean a thing
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Travis~ Sing

I cry ...
when nobody is looking since it is not pretty to see a grown man crying. Sometimes I cry without reason. But most of the time I know why, but just let it pass me by.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Howie Day~ Collide

I am not always ...
expressing what I truly feel. I do try and convince myself. I do push on even when I don’t want to, just to see if I can do it.

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
Daniel Powter~ Bad Day

I make with my hands ...
lots of delicious food, which I subsequently eat & share with others. Making jellies/ puddings/ muffins at midnight is most stress relieving.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly
Destiny’s Child~ Bootylicious

I write ...
to record my events that I never want to forget. I write to inspire change and acceptance. I write to shelf the frustrations I cannot change. I write to earn a living. But mostly I write to boast.

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines

And it might be over in a second's time

But I'll gladly go down in a flame

If a flame's what it takes to remember my name

To remember my name, yeah

John Mayer~ Bigger Than My Body

I confuse ...
myself & everyone around me. Orgies/ intimacy, spiritual truth/ 40% proof spirits, slacking/ butt-clenching, small town boy/ city slicker, meanie/ sweetie, overconfident/ unsure, smart/ silly. If there is one thing coherent about me, it is confusion.

When I'm happy I am sad
But everything's good
It's not that complicated
I'm just misunderstood
Pink~ Missundaztood

I need ...
to develop & change, all the time, just to keep my sanity. Sure I do pause to relax sometimes, but I hate being stuck in a rut.

And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
All American Rejects~ Move Along


I should try...
to keep my composure & appreciate all that life has to offer. Ever the adventurer, my journeys don’t always lead down the right path. And then I freak out, deep breaths always help.

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space in between
I'll know everything is alright
Michelle Branch~ Breathe


I finish ...
the best I can & analyze the whole entirety. Be it conversations, projects, food or sex, I always take a moment to deliberate. Was it good, was it worth it, will I do it again? Most of the time the answer is HELL YEAH!

You've crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all
Lazlo Bane~ Superman

So that’s it. I’ve bared my soul, dammit. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but I’d love to see what’s in YOUR TWISTED MIND. Of course, as jups (the bouncy babe with too many shoes who tagged me) said, the musical mozzarella is purely optional. Not everything cheesy is good. Just look at my blog, I still can’t get the alignment right!